Halloween Tips

Make your children’s costumes as dark as possible so that drivers cannot purposely run them over.

Sexy costumes have a time and a place. The place is a party comprised of adults. The time is when you aren’t three hundred pounds, bald and with a rash down the lower half of your body.

There is no shame in being the back part of the horse costume; however, there is shame in ASKING to be the back part of the horse costume.

If a child is too young to say the words, “Trick or treat” then, you can legally withhold candy from them.

Be careful choosing what candy to give away. Fun-sized Snickers and Milky Way are fine; Necco Wafers will get your house and car egged; giving away toothbrushes and little tubes of toothpaste will get your house burned down and you just might be shot down as you flee the flames.

After the trick-or-treating, inspect every piece of candy in your child’s inventory to determine which pieces you’ll be stealing after they go to sleep.

Craft stores often sell pumpkin carving kits for elaborate ornate carvings or, in your case, for disfiguring a perfectly good pumpkin until your daughter starts crying; then, buying a new pumpkin and carving the usual pumpkin face in it with a steak knife.

Often, the sexiest costume is the one you DON’T wear.

The different colored parts of candy corn do NOT taste different. It’s about time you accepted that.

Some say that there is a special place in Hell for people who dress their dogs or cats up for Halloween. I disagree. You WILL go to Hell for it; but, where in Hell you go there won’t be particularly special.

It’s okay to urge your toddler to say “Trick or Treat” when you have the family out on Halloween; but, if a queue of fifteen or more forms behind you, you should probably accept that your child isn’t Ivy League material…