Halloween Tips

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Make your children’s costumes as dark as possible so that drivers cannot purposely run them over.

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Sexy costumes have a time and a place. The place is a party comprised of adults. The time is when you aren’t three hundred pounds, bald and with a rash down the lower half of your body.

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There is no shame in being the back part of the horse costume; however, there is shame in ASKING to be the back part of the horse costume.

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If a child is too young to say the words, “Trick or treat” then, you can legally withhold candy from them.

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Be careful choosing what candy to give away. Fun-sized Snickers and Milky Way are fine; Necco Wafers will get your house and car egged; giving away toothbrushes and little tubes of toothpaste will get your house burned down and you just might be shot down as you flee the flames.

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After the trick-or-treating, inspect every piece of candy in your child’s inventory to determine which pieces you’ll be stealing after they go to sleep.

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Craft stores often sell pumpkin carving kits for elaborate ornate carvings or, in your case, for disfiguring a perfectly good pumpkin until your daughter starts crying; then, buying a new pumpkin and carving the usual pumpkin face in it with a steak knife.

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Often, the sexiest costume is the one you DON’T wear.

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The different colored parts of candy corn do NOT taste different. It’s about time you accepted that.

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Some say that there is a special place in Hell for people who dress their dogs or cats up for Halloween. I disagree. You WILL go to Hell for it; but, where in Hell you go there won’t be particularly special.

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It’s okay to urge your toddler to say “Trick or Treat” when you have the family out on Halloween; but, if a queue of fifteen or more forms behind you, you should probably accept that your child isn’t Ivy League material…

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11 thoughts on “Halloween Tips

  1. In England Halloween is bigger than it used to be but we save the best for the ritual burning of a Catholic on Nov 5th. Bonfire night or Guy Fawkes… Children go straight for the money “penny for the guy”

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I know what you mean. When I was a kid, we used to play “Monkey in the Middle” with real monkeys (including Peter Tork, once). Now, all those animals have been used up as “helper monkeys”… even Peter Tork…

        Like

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