Tips on Breast Feeding

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A Pair of Boobies

Breastfeeding burns a lot of calories, especially in conjunction with other exercise; For example, if you breastfeed while mountain climbing, you can lose up to two pounds a day… ten, if you drop the baby.

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A suckling child can tighten up the uterus immediately after childbirth which is the least he can do.

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The size of a woman’s breasts have no relationship with the amount of milk produced; however, there is a DIRECT relationship between the size of a woman’s breasts and how likely the average male is to stare directly at them while talking to her head.

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Nursing provides a baby with the mother’s antibodies so, if you know you are going to be a mother, contract as many horrible diseases as you can. Will this turn your baby into some sort of superhuman, immune to all illnesses and so advanced that she ignores the basic human ethical norms and eventually destroys all life on Earth? Yeah, but what are you gonna do?

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Some women choose to toughen their nipples before nursing a baby. One common method is to tease a terrier with your breasts. Or, go bra-less in a shirt made out of Kevlar…

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Don’t be afraid to rely on support groups like La Leche. Despite their reputation for being a fringe group, they have a lot of important information on the benefits of nursing, how to fit it into your lifestyle and the dangers of having lizard-people living below the US Capital building.

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You may not generate milk right away. Nature has given your baby colostrom until the milk starts flowing and you are no longer a rotten mother.

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Most men are NOT sexually excited by women breastfeeding. Those that are have issues from childhood that can be fixed by a mental health professional, although not in the time-frame I was promised.

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Be discrete when breastfeeding: If a person only has to glance over after standing up, climbing onto a roof and inching hand over hand down the gutter and see your naked breasts, they will complain.

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Most mothers find a natural time in which to wean their children; however, if you are nursing your child while checking his resume for spelling and formatting errors, you might want to find an unnatural time in which to wean your child…

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9 thoughts on “Tips on Breast Feeding

  1. “Breastfeeding burns a lot of calories, especially in conjunction with other exercise; For example, if you breastfeed while mountain climbing, you can lose up to two pounds a day… ten, if you drop the baby.” Cracked me up 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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