I just saw a commercial for Burger King’s new Crispy Golden Nuggets. I can’t be the only one unnerved by that name and by the fact that they never mentioned what animal they were made from; but, they were a dollar a bag and ten to a bag. The demographic this satisfies is the intersection of people who don’t have a lot of money with the group of people who don’t care what they eat, as long as the calories in it kill the dull ache in the pit of their remorseless maw. A commercial shouldn’t make you sad for the people who use the product. Vienna sausages don’t do that. They just sit there in a low, easy-open can waiting for you to resort to them. No one makes commercials about Vienna sausages. How COULD you make a commercial about Vienna sausages? Vienna sausages: Eat them after you’ve lost all hope? I’m even surprised that Slim Jims advertise. I doubt anyone can be persuaded to eat Slim Jims… It’s just something you are born with. Like a taste for sharp cheeses, or the need to lick a toilet clean. And, speaking of licking a toilet clean, I’m totally up for some Crispy Golden Nuggets. See what I did there? That was self-reference, a valid comic device that fools the reader into thinking that there was any planning to what was written. Frankly, self-reference is the only thing that separates us from the animals… well that and usually a chain-link fence… unless it is one of those fake safaris where you drive your car through a few baboons and tell your kids that it is what Africa looks like. But, as we all know, Africa is the dark continent, filled with lions, tigers and white goddesses who later turn out to be smugglers… if the movies I watched growing up didn’t lead me astray. And, why would Johnny Weissmuller, an Olympic swimmer, lie? He wouldn’t, that’s why… or how… Maureen O’Sullivan might. I never trust women who weigh less than my shoes.