New on Television, this Summer…

My Big Fat Heroin-addict Mom: It is, in fact, the reality show to end all reality shows… at least I hope that’s what it does. A woman with a heroin habit and a compulsive eating disorder tries to juggle two kids… probably because she’s so high that she thinks they are oranges. If successful, the second season could look at the emotional problems that occur in teenagers whose mother is addicted to heroin and who have to live with cameras filming every aspect of their lives…

When Animals Do Pretty Much What They Always Do: Starring David Attenborough’s stunt double. Cameras are put up all over the wilderness to film animals doing pretty much what everyone expects: Eating, giving birth, fighting and running from cameramen. All animal shows are pretty much like this, but at least this one doesn’t make any bones about it.

Monday Night Foosball: Is a bar-sport ready for prime time? It is if there’s nothing else to watch. There’s something quite beautiful about watching two or four grown men frantically spinning lines of dolls to put a ping pong ball into a hole. And, are there sexy cheerleaders? Sadly, no. Every cheerleader in the entire world thought the idea was stupid.

The Fruitless Search for Legendary Monsters: For the discerning viewer who loves being promised more than is delivered. “Did scientists actually find the legendary Bigfoot?”. Answer after the commercial break and it is “no”.

So, You Think You Can Dance on a Table in an Austin Bar? Drunk, sad women with just enough self-esteem to answer to their own names are fed molly until one of them dances on a table in a Texas bar. She is proclaimed the winner and is given a cash prize and a stomach pump.

My Little Ponies, After Dark: Admit it… they are sexy. You wanted this.

Dr. Backwards, .D.M: One of the worst of the Marvel Comics characters. Due to gamma-ray exposure, Dr. Backwards lives his life in reverse. He can tell people what is going to happen because he’s lived it. Sadly, since it has already happened, no one can do anything about it. It is essentially a Greek tragedy with a lot of stupid thrown in for viewership.

Space Horse! Everyone likes science fiction and everyone likes horses. Space Horse has a different adventure every week, including one where he is force fed Ecstasy and made to dance on a table in a bar in Austin. That’s what is called a “crossover”…

Who Wants to Win Enough Money for Surgery? Who wouldn’t cheer on a bunch of contestants with hernias trying to lift the most weight to get it fixed? Or, narcoleptics trying to walk a tight rope over a canyon. It’s fun for the whole family if your family consists entirely of sociopaths.

Secret Canadian: A non-American walks our streets, accused of a crime he didn’t commit. Sadly, he committed a different crime that no one has found out about yet. He wanders from town to town, righting wrongs and extolling the benefits of a government-run healthcare system. When he gets angry he turns green but antibiotics usually clear that right up.

The Punisher… Cooks! A cooking show starring the most violent character on television today. The first ten minutes are usually Frank Castle twitching and moving his head from side to side; but, eventually he gets down to cooking. Watch for guest chefs who will teach Frank the fundamentals of cooking before he shoots them in the head…