Is a Raccoon the Pet for You?

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“I wuv you THIS much”

A raccoon is a wild animal.  I cannot stress this enough.  A RACCOON IS A WILD ANIMAL.  Understand?  You do?  Well then, I apparently stressed it enough.

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Raccoon feces makes a good fertilizer.  If you have a raccoon as a pet, you won’t even need to leave your home to collect it.

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Veterinarians who treat raccoons are few and far between.  Most of them work in the dark seamy underbelly of veterinary science.  Coincidentally, Dark Seamy Underbelly is the biggest killer of raccoons.

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In some states, it is illegal to keep raccoons as pets.  If you have to move to one of those states, imagine how much the value of your raccoon will skyrocket. You would be essentially a smuggler. And, I doubt you’d get caught now that Nancy Drew is dead.

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Raccoons bite.  They bite because they are angry, bored, for no reason or for reasons beyond the concept of reason.  Think of a raccoon as a watchdog who attacks basically everyone but only at random.

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Removing wallpaper can be a time-consuming process; but, if you leave a raccoon alone for a few hours a day in the room, it can chew off your old wallpaper over a period of six months.  Then, all you have to do is patch the walls, collect the fertilizer and throw away the furniture it has destroyed.

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A domestic raccoon can live for ten to fifteen years.  If that is too long for you, you can always take it out to the woods in an attempt to have him contract Dark Seamy Underbelly.

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Raccoons have deft paws and can open most latches, hooks, buttons, knobs or wall safes.  This might come in handy if you are ever locked out of your house or want to pull off a heist.

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Finding someone to babysit your raccoon is simple because everyone has a friend or two that they don’t mind getting bit.

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Raccoons are extremely smart.  Are they smarter than you are?  Well, do you have a raccoon as a pet, regardless of all of the drawbacks?  Then, yes…

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19 thoughts on “Is a Raccoon the Pet for You?

      1. I was at my bus stop at five thirty in the morning… last year. There’s a little concrete platform above a storm drain that I sit on while I wait. In my briefcase, I had a peanut butter sandwich. I suddenly realized that something was about a foot away from me. I turned and was face to face with a raccoon. I jumped about six feet away, leaving my briefcase behind. It started DRAGGING MY BRIEFCASE TO THE STORM DRAIN. Like a true cave man, I started throwing sticks at it until it got bored with me and let me keep my briefcase…

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  1. My husband had a raccoon for a pet as a teenager. They found it abandoned as a baby and raised him. Teddy was a hit in town. He would ride in the station wagon and then sit in the grocery cart as my MIL went shopping. How cute is that?!
    We have visiting raccoons here, but I have yet to befriend any. Pesky little devils drink my hummingbird nectar.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Over half a year, my mother had a battle of wits with a raccoon who was eating vegetables out of her garden. It found every trap and, not only avoided getting caught, it ATE THE BAIT. She never did get that guy…

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      1. They’re clever little devils. We couldn’t figure out who was emptying and breaking our bird feeders one year. We thought it was the deer until I flipped the light on one night and saw this enormous grand daddy raccoon shimmy up the pole. Straight up! He looked like fat furry Wallenda balancing on the cross bar.

        Liked by 1 person

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