Andomray Oughtsthay

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My mom was pregnant a lot when she was high with me and it didn’t affect my development at all…

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If you are a good enough liar, you can accomplish anything that you can convince people you did.

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I think the last big step in our evolution as a species was when we learned the phrase, “Great idea, boss”…

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I told the cab driver, “To the train station and don’t spare the horses”. Had I known how many horses he was going to kill getting me there, I’d have used a different idiom…

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Tap dancing, in my opinion, is a frenetic drum solo with thighs.

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As a demolitions expert, the hardest assignment I ever had to complete was bringing down the bottom seven floors of a thirty story building while leaving the rest intact.

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Am I a fraud? Well, I tell everyone that I am, but I’m really not…

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If twenty-five years of marriage have taught me anything it is that, no matter what happens, it is my fault.

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I tried fly-fishing, once; but, I found that, once you remove the head and tiny wings, there is hardly any meat at all on those things.

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I’m tired of people’s alternative lifestyles being pushed into my face. Why doesn’t anyone ever push them into my lower back and buttocks?

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