What I Want for Christmas
You’ve heard of that box with the button on it that, when you press it, someone you don’t know dies and you get a million dollars? Well, I want that; then, I’d go out and meet EVERYONE IN THE WORLD EXCEPT TUCKER CARLSON… and then press the button.
I want a Spirograph made out of frozen nitrogen so it sublimates before it gets deadly dull. If it doesn’t, I can always use the small cogs to chill my beverages…
I want a Japanese Maple Tree so I can make sushi pancakes.
I want a vampire dog because they live forever and can be easily trained using holy water.
I want a rolling pin with dentures glued to them so that, when I make biscuits, they look like someone already tried them.
I want a t-shirt with a picture of the back of my head on it so I can talk to someone and ignore them at the same time.
I want a wooden stake in case my vampire dog gets out of control.
I want a complete set of Spice Girls CDs and a ball peen hammer.
I want to sleep the same continuous dead sleep I enjoyed as a child plus I want to drive naked while tweeting racism… so Ambian it is!
I want reindeer balls. Do I mean that I want the testicles of a reindeer grafted onto my body so that I may father a race of reindeer-people who will follow a strict philosophy of post-modern, neo-platonist colonialism; or, do I mean ground up reindeer mixed with bread crumbs, garlic and spices and cooked in a marinara sauce? Which ever is more convenient…