Ich Will: Christmas Edition

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What I Want for Christmas

You’ve heard of that box with the button on it that, when you press it, someone you don’t know dies and you get a million dollars?  Well, I want that; then, I’d go out and meet EVERYONE IN THE WORLD EXCEPT TUCKER CARLSON… and then press the button.

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I want a Spirograph made out of frozen nitrogen so it sublimates before it gets deadly dull.  If it doesn’t, I can always use the small cogs to chill my beverages…

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I want a Japanese Maple Tree so I can make sushi pancakes.

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I want a vampire dog because they live forever and can be easily trained using holy water.

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I want a rolling pin with dentures glued to them so that, when I make biscuits, they look like someone already tried them.

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I want a t-shirt with a picture of the back of my head on it so I can talk to someone and ignore them at the same time.

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I want a wooden stake in case my vampire dog gets out of control.

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I want a complete set of Spice Girls CDs and a ball peen hammer.

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I want to sleep the same continuous dead sleep I enjoyed as a child plus I want to drive naked while tweeting racism… so Ambian it is!

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I want reindeer balls.  Do I mean that I want the testicles of a reindeer grafted onto my body so that I may father a race of reindeer-people who will follow a strict philosophy of post-modern, neo-platonist colonialism; or, do I mean ground up reindeer mixed with bread crumbs, garlic and spices and cooked in a marinara sauce?  Which ever is more convenient…

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23 thoughts on “Ich Will: Christmas Edition

      1. The story was compelling, Ray. The big issue I had with her writing was that she gave every event the same weight: The raffle party, the murders, conversations… I could’ve used more description. That being said, I was turning pages with great interest as I read the book…

        As for expensive… you know I’m a wretched miser…

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