What I Want for Christmas
You’ve heard of that box with the button on it that, when you press it, someone you don’t know dies and you get a million dollars? Well, I want that; then, I’d go out and meet EVERYONE IN THE WORLD EXCEPT TUCKER CARLSON… and then press the button.
I want a Spirograph made out of frozen nitrogen so it sublimates before it gets deadly dull. If it doesn’t, I can always use the small cogs to chill my beverages…
I want a Japanese Maple Tree so I can make sushi pancakes.
I want a vampire dog because they live forever and can be easily trained using holy water.
I want a rolling pin with dentures glued to them so that, when I make biscuits, they look like someone already tried them.
I want a t-shirt with a picture of the back of my head on it so I can talk to someone and ignore them at the same time.
I want a wooden stake in case my vampire dog gets out of control.
I want a complete set of Spice Girls CDs and a ball peen hammer.
I want to sleep the same continuous dead sleep I enjoyed as a child plus I want to drive naked while tweeting racism… so Ambian it is!
I want reindeer balls. Do I mean that I want the testicles of a reindeer grafted onto my body so that I may father a race of reindeer-people who will follow a strict philosophy of post-modern, neo-platonist colonialism; or, do I mean ground up reindeer mixed with bread crumbs, garlic and spices and cooked in a marinara sauce? Which ever is more convenient…
Potatoes and the Promise of More Potatoes 
I want chocolate ice cream 🍦
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They don’t have chocolate ice cream in Adelaide?
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They don’t have enough ice cream in Adelaide ☹️
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Listening with a ball peen hammer is the only way to properly enjoy a Spice Girls cd. The choice of smashing the disc or your head is the tough part…
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Do you smash the CDs before or after listening?
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I’d whack them before… it improves the sound.
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My kind of gal!
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This was a delightful list from beginning to end – but the Ambien one had me burst out a laugh. Good one 🙂
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Thanks, Robyn. I like to get a “What I want for Christmas” list once a year.
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I always ask for a girlfriend. Still waiting…
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I would imagine they’d be lined up around the block for you, Joanne…
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Reindeer people would be awesome by the way.
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They’d at least be great Dancers…
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I want Christmas every day…for you 😹😹
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I’m a father of two, so it could really get expensive.
BTW, I finished Field of Lies…
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Cool 🙂 what do you think about her ⛓ chainy* writing 🙂 building of phrases…
Ps. I heard you love “expensive”. “Expensive” is your goal for next year…no? :))
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The story was compelling, Ray. The big issue I had with her writing was that she gave every event the same weight: The raffle party, the murders, conversations… I could’ve used more description. That being said, I was turning pages with great interest as I read the book…
As for expensive… you know I’m a wretched miser…
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Please go out in the world and meet everyone in the world except Donald Trump. Tucker Carlson will die of grief when The Donald croaks.
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So, it would be like a bank-shot in billiards?
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I want everyone to think of helping the poor and homeless more than one day a year.
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Did you know that reindeer are really small, as are their balls. Be careful what you wish for…
Merry Christmas!!
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You’ve definitely given me something to think about, Kerry…
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Bwahaha! I would have gone for Bison balls.
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