Things I Hate that are Yellow

Banana: The banana looks like no other fruit. And, when something looks nothing like anything else that it is, it probably isn’t that (if you read that sentence backwards it actually makes MORE sense). My theory is that those black dots that go the length of the banana are a spine. It bruises when you punch it, so I’m going to say that it is probably an animal. We tear off their skins and eat them alive. What kind of monsters are we?

The Sun: Sure it provides the energy to sustain all life on our planet; but, when I ask it to help me move a couch, it is suddenly too busy giving gingers skin-cancer to help me.

Hepatitis B: The yellow skin is the least of it. The real crime of this disease is that it damages the liver, which SHOULD be the job of our nation’s distilleries. Another American job taken by a virus…

Straw: If you keep piling it on a camel, eventually, you will cripple it. And, if you keep track of which straw broke the camel’s back, you can carry that straw around with you and easily break the backs of other camels. I feel that is too much power to give any one person…

Yellow Fatty Beans:  I remembered hearing about these somewhere and thought to myself, “I’ll add it to this list… it will be HILARIOUS”; but, when I looked it up, I found that it was from The Simpsons and was what Abe Simpson called bananas in “his day”.  Yes, it is alarming to know that the fact part of my brain cross-links with the cartoon portion of my brain; but, it is also a relief knowing that I didn’t shoot Mr. Burns.

Deer Crossing Signs:  Telling deer where they can and cannot cross the road is a violation of Freedom of Assembly, guaranteed in our Constitution and also by IKEA.

Yellow Bellied Sap-Sucker:  I know that they are cute, musical and make a terrific snack, but they are vampires as far as trees are concerned.  And, you know that dream where you want to run away but you cannot because you are rooted to the ground?  Trees have that dream EVERY NIGHT!

Yellow Golf Balls:  I know it was irrational but I saw dozens of yellow golf balls on the fairway and came to the conclusion that our country was under attack by lemons.  I calmed down pretty quickly, but my son will never let me forget that I used him as a human shield…

Old Yeller:  Movies are supposed to evoke, through a mix of story-telling, acting and directing a certain emotional response; but, a story of a boy who has to kill his own lovable pet because he has rabies?  That’s just LAZY.

Yellow Cabs:  It’s probably due to a bad experience I had in a cab once, arguing with the driver over who benefited the most from the Magna Carta, the noble class or the 1988 New England Patriots.  Long story short, I ended up hitting the guy with a yellow fatty bean and now NO cabs will pick me up…