Excerpt From Book, Two

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People LOVE animals. Whether it is ogling them in cages or just hunting them for sport. We even have animals that we love enough to feed, keep in our homes and castrate. We study them right down to their DNA because they teach us things about ourselves; we also use some of them to make purses and luggage. We have, what is called, “a complicated relationship” with our animal friends.

I love animals… well, maybe not all of them because it would be impossible to love all animals; because, no matter what animal you pick, there’s another animal on the opposing team. And, you cannot cheer for two opposing teams unless you’re somebody’s grandmother, and, even then you get a lot of beer cans thrown at you. Are you on team gazelle or team lion? If you love dogs AND cats, one day you will be compelled to take a side. I recommend the species that would stand between you and an angry bear over the species that craps in a box in your house.

Now, I DO hate some species of animal. Cobras, for example. For five cents, I’d set all the world’s jungles on fire and drive over them with riding mowers as they fled the flames. I Image result for woman riding mowerdon’t feel that way about all venomous snakes… just the ones with heads the size of a dog’s. And, you charm cobras. Can you think of any other animal that you have to use your charm on? Closest I’ve gotten was using empathy on a goat. It turned out to be the most meaningful afternoon of my life.

Zoologists get to name the species that they discover. And, that has GOT to be a real rush, unless you are studying bacteria and discover forty new species a day. Eventually, you’d start naming them after presidents and car models. It would be a dreadful way to live. I knew a bacteriologist who named seven species in one afternoon and, if the names were read in the order that they were discovered, it made up his suicide note.

If I were a zoologist, I doubt I’d commit suicide… although I’d imagine some despair would be inevitable. Consider the options… either spend eight months in a meerkat blind or take a desk job to deal with the chum bucket of random Latin phylums, classes, families, genii and species that we use in a futile attempt to define animals. And, don’t expect that you’ll get meerkats. For zoologists, assignments are given out sequentially. You might be studying nematoads or slugs or mayflies and never get to see the outside or inside of a lion. And, as you study one animal, you might step on another that no one knew about and YOU GET TO NAME IT… although, if you stepped on the very last one, you might just want to ignore it entirely…

What follows are a few of my favorites. Consider them a tribute to William Cuppy, a severely introverted humorist who I identify strongly with for some reason. We have different styles, but the urge to learn while researching is what makes us brothers… although having the same mother would be a lot less work…

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19 thoughts on “Excerpt From Book, Two

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