Still More Medical Advice From a Terse Llama

Dear Terse Llama,

I was drunk at a pancake restaurant, last night; and, this morning, I woke up with the mother of all headaches.  Also, I noticed a sticky viscous substance that seemed to be coming from my ears and was matted in my hair.  I cannot go to the emergency room because of what happened last time, who it happened to and how many EMTs it took to wrestle me to the ground.  Can you diagnose me?

Mrs. Buttersworth

Dear Buttersworth,

Well, it could be a simple hangover or perhaps a late-onset gluten allergy; however, considering the sticky substance you mentioned, I’m pretty sure that someone hit you over the head with a bottle of syrup.

Dear Terse Llama,

My best friend has been pressuring me to try heroin; but, my other friends tell me that it is very addictive.  My friend assures me that he’s been using it five times a day for three years and hasn’t gotten addicted yet.  Not sure what I should do.  My best friend tells me if someone claims to be a friend but is pressuring me not to do drugs, then he isn’t really a friend.  Anyway, could you give me a response soon?  The holidays are coming up and I don’t want to spend most of that time in the bathroom.

Altered State in Golden Gate

Dear Altered,

I certainly know about addiction.  I was addicted to muscle relaxers a few years ago and, one day, just lazily slid ten thousand feet down the slopes of the Andes into a small village.  When I woke up, I was being used as a throw rug in a crude shack.  THAT was the wake-up call I needed.

The best way to handle heroin is to use it until RIGHT BEFORE you get addicted to it, then discontinue.  If something goes wrong, take comfort in the knowledge that your friend probably has a pretty reliable dealer.

Dear Terse Llama,

My wife and I are having an argument as to whether or not you can catch sexually transmitted diseases from a public toilet.  I contend that you can; whereas, she keeps throwing dishes at me.  I’d like an answer ASAP because she seems to be getting her second wind, her aim is getting better and she is eyeing our good crockery.

Louse in the Doghouse

Dear Dog,

Scientists HAVE determined that you CAN catch venereal disease from a public toilet seat, especially if you are having sex while sitting on it.

Confidential to Quick Draw in Omaha

It is admirable that you were able to perform an emergency tracheotomy using only a pocket knife and a pen; but, if the subject was in no need of the procedure, in most states, what you did would be considered assault and battery.