Ask a Bio-Engineered Super-Intelligent Dog: The Final Beginning

Dear Genetically-Modified Bio-Engineered Super-Intelligent Dog,

My husband is always asking for things in the bedroom that I am unable to provide… like antimatter or fat-free butter. I tell him that I’m not a machine and he shrugs and pulls out my batteries. I’m at my wits end because I don’t know if I should serve fried yucca as a vegetable or a starch. What do you recommend?

Baffled in Akron

Dear Baffled,

Yucca can be served as either the starch or vegetable… if you stuff it into a plastic bag, it can even make a servicable catcher’s mitt. As to your other situation, if I were you, I’d exclaim, “What am I, a dog, doing in the body of a human female?”. I doubt I’d be able to keep my sanity.

Ф

Dear Genetically-Modified Bio-Engineered Super-Intelligent Dog,

I understand that a woman in my office is a nymphomaniac and very sexually aggressive. I’ve tried struggling, locking my office door and even complaining to human resources, but I just can’t get her to have sex with me. I think it’s my pheromones… that I naturally repel nymphomaniacs… and I was wondering if I could sell my sweat to some organization that wants to repel nymphomaniacs. Does the Army want to repel nymphomaniacs?

Feeling Rejected in Bangor

Dear Bangor,

The U. S. Army builds communications equipment out of nymphomaniacs, copper wire and transistors. They actually import hundreds of nymphomaniacs every year from Europe and parts of Alabama. I think your best bet for selling your sweat would be the Salvation Army… or, if you are less than twenty miles off-shore, the Salvation Coast Guard.

Ф

Dear Genetically-Modified Bio-Engineered Super-Intelligent Dog,

My wife insists on keeping the thermostat at 68 degrees.  I am very sensitive to temperature and, if it gets below sixty seven degrees, my kidneys shut down.  My wife tells me it is all my imagination like when I thought the sink was talking to me or when my reflection threw up all over the bathroom.  Seventy-two degrees is perfect for me but my wife tells me that a seventy year old woman shouldn’t have to walk about the house in a loincloth.  Why is she fighting me on this and how do I keep my reflection from puking everywhere?

Too Cold in Montreal

Dear Canadaista,

Breaking the mirror seems your best bet; and, avoid fun-house mirrors because they tend to vomit too much, too little or fatter than you might expect, depending upon the mirror.  Breaking a mirror does bring seven years bad luck, but I’m pretty sure that your wife is bearing the brunt of that already.

Ф

Dear Genetically-Modified Bio-Engineered Super-Intelligent Dog,

My wife tells me that my similes make no sense to her and I think she’s crazier than a bingo card on Thursday night.  She wants me to seek professional help but I’ll be deader than a porn star at an opera before I do that.  Which one of us is wrong?

Happy as Moron-Piss in Alaska

Dear Happy,

Clearly your wife is out of line.  Every simile is valid because semiotics tells us that all concepts can be connected… provided they link to Kevin Bacon.