Tips on Bread-Making that Should Get a Rise Out of You

Rustic Bread | The Fresh Loaf

In making leavened bread, you take a little yeast and nurture it into a vast civilization of millions of yeasts; then, they suffer a hellish death in your oven. Do you enjoy making bread? Then, you are a monster.

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There are several types of flour for making bread: Bread flour, if you want a tight gluten structure; all purpose flour, if you want a cakier texture; and, whole wheat, if you don’t want anyone to actually eat the bread.

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If your recipe makes two loaves, it is customary to bring the second loaf out to your family only after scarfing down the first loaf in the kitchen like a starving dog.

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Kneading dough can be therapeutic; but, if your therapy involves repressed memories of sexual torture, I’d recommend a licensed psychiatrist…

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Sour dough starter is cultivated natural yeast that you have to feed every few days. It makes a nice bread but it is sad when childless couples hold birthday parties for it…

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Some experts recommend that you use kitchen scales to weigh your flour and water when making bread. When I become president, those experts will be shot.

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To determine if your bread is done, take it from the oven, hold the loaf upside down and tap it with your forefinger. If you burn your other hand holding it, it is probably done.

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When your dough doesn’t rise and you notice your yeast happily bubbling still in the little bowl you dissolved it in, don’t swear and throw things because you’ll just scare the kids. This can be easily fixed by ordering a pizza.

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When ordering two pizzas, it is customary to bring the second pie out to your family only after scarfing down the first pizza like a starving dog.

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Before putting them in the oven, take a razor and cut the tops of your loaves. They know why.

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19 thoughts on “Tips on Bread-Making that Should Get a Rise Out of You

      1. Yay! Mission accomplished!

        Your snark was right on, because I only had three loaf pans. I split the last fourth amongst my little loaf pans and literally did snack away at one of those …then a second…

        Liked by 1 person

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