Why I Hate Wheaties

January 24, 1968: Mary Lou Retton Was Born and Became the First ...

Wheaties uses athletes to sell itself because every dietician recommends athletes get more wheat in their diet…

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Wheaties” is the laziest cereal name in the history of cereal and in the history of names. It’s as if the boss came in, told them to come up with a great name for a wheat cereal, and they came up with “Wheaties” before the boss even got to the parking lot.

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In 2006, Wheaties had a commemorative box depicting the showdown between Texas A&M and the University of Texas at Austin despite the fact that neither were real football teams or real colleges…

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Wheaties is the only cereal that gets soggy BEFORE you add the milk.

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Wheaties-sponsored radio launched the career of Ronald Reagan… actually, it was less a launch and more just tipping it over and hoping you don’t get much on you…

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On television in the fifties, Wheaties were advertised by Champy, a dread-locked transsexual lion puppet who convinced children that Wheaties were “full of food energy” and each flake had a “whole kernel of wheat”. I like to think that puppet is resting comfortably in a burning lake in Hell.

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Wheaties’ tagline was “The Breakfast of Champions”; this was a vast improvement over the old tagline, “The Breakfast of Violent Sexual Sadists”…

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Mary Lou Retton WAS the first female spokesperson for Wheaties until Bruce Jenner retroactively became the first after his operation in 2017.

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Wheaties were discovered accidentally when someone spilled wheat gruel on a hot stove. The resulting flakes “tasted better than gruel” which can only be said for every other food.

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One of the early Wheaties boxes had Jesse Owens on the front. Unfortunately, sales were not good because the box had to be put on a separate but equal shelf in the grocery store.

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22 thoughts on “Why I Hate Wheaties

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