Taste Treats of my Youth that Weren’t

Steak and kidney pie - Friday Magazine

Canned Peaches: These were for people who wanted peaches all year round AND wanted them to be slimier. They had an almost sentient ability to avoid being cut up with your spoon. Uncut, you’d have to chase them around the bowl until your mom turned her head and then GRAB ‘EM AND STUFF ‘EM IN YOUR MOUTH.

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Canned Fruit Salad: Canned peaches, pineapple and flavorless cherries with what had to be human eyes. They called them “grapes” but grapes never did me like that.

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Mellorine: Premium ice cream is a pretty new phenomena. When I was young, it was just ice cream in half gallon containers. Mellorine was a discount version of that already discounted ice cream. Sure it contained milk… but instead of milk fat, it used whatever was around… including animal fat. I’m a carnivore, but even I give it a rest at dessert time.

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Vienna Sausages: Tasted like meat slime and looked like a bunch of penises that had been boiled in a pot overnight. Indicated the paycheck had run out and that beans and ham hocks were next.

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Steak and Kidney Pie: I had no problem with two-thirds of this.

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Tongue: It wasn’t a bad meat. I just felt as if it were mocking me.

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Bacos: For those people who decided their bacon didn’t taste enough like soy, there was Bacos. Put some on your salad for a taste treat that is ten percent as enjoyable as real bacon but with health benefits that could be summed up with the word, “intangible”…

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Cream of Wheat: Moms had a thing about a hot breakfast on a cold winter’s day as if the heat from it would radiate from the digestive tract through the muscle and flesh to warm the body. And, it apparently had to be about as bland as saliva to be effective. Once you ate the sugar off of the top, you had a long row to hoe.

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Kidney Beans: Thick-skinned and tasteless, kidney beans were what my mom used in her chili. Why? Because that’s what her mom used in her chili. If we extend that logic, we should all be eating mastodon in our chili…

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Meatloaf: I’ve never eaten hamburger and thought to myself, “I wish there wasn’t so much hamburger in this hamburger. Maybe some crackers or bread might make the experience of eating it much more like that of living in a Soviet prison”.

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18 thoughts on “Taste Treats of my Youth that Weren’t

    1. Well, I don’t like cooked onions and my mother crammed those into her meatloaf. Yeah, we had the periodic liver-dosing, too. Maybe I didn’t like it, then, but I like liver, now…

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  1. Bacos! I remember those little horrors. Never heard of that ice cream though, sounds perfectly delightful. Not.
    You left Miracle whip off the list though. All my friend’s mothers
    used it and it took all my willpower not to gag.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I laughed out loud at the first one. I didn’t mind the taste of them, but my goodness, trying to get one to slice with a fork or spoon and then try to catch it as it flew across your bowl – yeah, that was tough! Bob still wants to keep bacos in the house (in case we are out of bacon and he wants the “flavor” for his bacon, cheese hot dog. The one thing we got at least twice a week as kids were hot dogs with mac and cheese but we got those hot dogs with the cheese in the middle. My brother and I used to take turns cutting into our dogs just to watch the cheese shoot out from the other side. Good times!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. After all my experiences with cheese (and “cheese” product) I am allergic to dairy now. But I do make a homemade mac and cheese for holidays with the shaved sharp cheddar and I bake it. Bob loves it and I think it looks great. The kids think it’s gross. But the big kids think all mac and cheese is gross. Declan likes Kraft, in the microwaveable cup with noodles shaped like movie characters. Tough crowd!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. With you, it’s dairy… with me, it was alcohol. My body just forgot how to process it.

        Not to alarm you but my oldest is twenty-seven and the garbage he puts into his body is cringe-worthy.

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    1. On a family trip, my ex really wanted meatloaf at a Baltimore diner. When we got there, they told her that they only served it as a sandwich at lunch. She stormed out and made us stop to buy a Lean Cuisine meatloaf in a bag for her to eat at the hotel.

      Our vacations are what started me writing humor…

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I actually liked Cream of Wheat as a boy sprinkled with sugar and cinnamon. Let me re-phrase that: I liked Cream of Wheat sprinkled with sugar and cinnamon as a boy. Let me re-phrase that again: I liked sugar and cinnamon sprinkled with Cream of Wheat, and if you don’t like it, you can lump it.

    Sorry about that – I used to be sweet
    when I ate Cream of Wheat.

    Liked by 1 person

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