Canned Peaches: These were for people who wanted peaches all year round AND wanted them to be slimier. They had an almost sentient ability to avoid being cut up with your spoon. Uncut, you’d have to chase them around the bowl until your mom turned her head and then GRAB ‘EM AND STUFF ‘EM IN YOUR MOUTH.
Canned Fruit Salad: Canned peaches, pineapple and flavorless cherries with what had to be human eyes. They called them “grapes” but grapes never did me like that.
Mellorine: Premium ice cream is a pretty new phenomena. When I was young, it was just ice cream in half gallon containers. Mellorine was a discount version of that already discounted ice cream. Sure it contained milk… but instead of milk fat, it used whatever was around… including animal fat. I’m a carnivore, but even I give it a rest at dessert time.
Vienna Sausages: Tasted like meat slime and looked like a bunch of penises that had been boiled in a pot overnight. Indicated the paycheck had run out and that beans and ham hocks were next.
Steak and Kidney Pie: I had no problem with two-thirds of this.
Tongue: It wasn’t a bad meat. I just felt as if it were mocking me.
Bacos: For those people who decided their bacon didn’t taste enough like soy, there was Bacos. Put some on your salad for a taste treat that is ten percent as enjoyable as real bacon but with health benefits that could be summed up with the word, “intangible”…
Cream of Wheat: Moms had a thing about a hot breakfast on a cold winter’s day as if the heat from it would radiate from the digestive tract through the muscle and flesh to warm the body. And, it apparently had to be about as bland as saliva to be effective. Once you ate the sugar off of the top, you had a long row to hoe.
Kidney Beans: Thick-skinned and tasteless, kidney beans were what my mom used in her chili. Why? Because that’s what her mom used in her chili. If we extend that logic, we should all be eating mastodon in our chili…
Meatloaf: I’ve never eaten hamburger and thought to myself, “I wish there wasn’t so much hamburger in this hamburger. Maybe some crackers or bread might make the experience of eating it much more like that of living in a Soviet prison”.