Excerpts from the New Republican Police Reform Bill

Arizona Democrats Among Those Backing Sweeping Police Reform Bill ...

Did Republicans miss the point? You decide!

 

Any officer standing on a suspect’s neck more than five minutes must be prosecuted for loitering.

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For the purpose of this bill, “tickling” is any action using the fingers, hands, feather or firearm to induce laughter or death.

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Any officer who shoots a fleeing suspect in the back will be required to also shoot that suspect in the front… for symmetry.

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A “righteous shooting” will be hereafter defined as any police shooting that no one has captured on video.

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Police will be encouraged to reach out to the community… and then take it by the neck and squeeze.

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To save resources, police officers will no longer be prosecuted for minor offenses like tickling a suspect.

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Municipalities are strongly encouraged to avoid hiring recruits who show up in a white sheet, unless they turn out to be Cicero or Julius Caesar…

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The federal government will still supply tanks and rocket launchers to local law enforcement; however, they will be strongly cautioned to aim them away from their faces and elementary schools.

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If a suspect dies in custody after a beating and law enforcement publicly announces that it was “natural causes”, they are required, by law, to keep a straight face…

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This bill will be null and void if it actually fixes anything.

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17 thoughts on “Excerpts from the New Republican Police Reform Bill

  1. I didn’t read it, but I didn’t expect it to make much sense. Your list sounds about right. I did see that Siri is able to record a conversation when you tell her, “Hey Siri, I am getting pulled over.” I don’t know why but that made me feel good.

    Liked by 1 person

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