Do you drive your sports car with your top down even though it isn’t a convertible?
Did you bring a pot-bellied pig to the last funeral you went to?
Did you wear full body paint to your last comic book convention or family picnic?
Have you faked three heart attacks in an afternoon or five over a weekend?
When the minister asks if anyone objects to the wedding you’re attending, do you yell out, “I lost ten pounds”…
Do you heckle school plays?
Do you blurt out what you think is the punchline to a joke someone is telling, even though you’ve never heard the joke because it is actually a friend talking about his mother’s chemotherapy?
Do you find yourself confessing to crimes you never committed because they never happened?
Is your family crest someone in full body paint leading a pot-bellied pig with the words, “Hey, Look at Me!” underneath?
Potatoes and the Promise of More Potatoes 
Is your name Jarred?????
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I hope not!
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Why?
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There’s a famous pedophile in this country named Jarred…
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Read the list, quietly confident that I was in no way an attention whore, but I have to admit, you got me on the family crest.
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Remember to leave a small portion of the small of your back unpainted. Ian Fleming taught me that…
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I’m not sure if I’m proud or slightly ashamed that I got that reference without even having to think about it.
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I’d like a pot-bellied pig. But if I were to steal one off a person in full body paint – who is the attention whore then? Dammit.
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I’d say that the pig would be the attention-whore in that scenario, Robyn. They are… so… smug…
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I’m just so awesome everyone just looks at me anyway 😁
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That’s the spirit!
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Well, I used to be, but that’s been beaten out of me. I just blog now. That’s all the attention I get. Finishing people’s sentences, jumping to the punchline, faking heart attacks, all beaten out of me long ago…
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There’s always break-dancing at a wedding reception….
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I did not bring a pot bellied pig to the last funeral I attended… but you can damn sure bet I will to the next one.
🐖
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Just don’t bring it to your next luau…
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No. That would be very bad form…
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