Ask a Bio-Engineered [blah blah blah] Dog

Dear Bio-Engineered, Genetically-Modified Super-Intelligent Dog,

I know that my husband hasn’t paid his income taxes in years. If I turn him in, I hear that the IRS will give me a portion of the money they recover. This money would be very helpful in paying some of our bills and getting our life on track. But, I think my husband might overreact when he goes to federal prison. Is there a way I can do this and not be the bad guy?

Stool Pigeon in Fresno

Dear Fresno,

I don’t know your husband and what his opinion is on being incarcerated in a federal prison is… he might enjoy the extra “structure” in his life. But, he DID break federal law and it is your duty, as an American, to be a no-good filthy rat-fink snitch.

Dear Bio-Engineered, Genetically-Modified Super-Intelligent Dog,

I don’t know what love feels like but whenever I see a particular woman in my office, I feel sick and dizzy and frightened, all at the same time. I’m thinking that it is love but it might also have something to do with the time she held me at gunpoint in my bathroom for eleven hours. I want to tell her how I feel but she doesn’t even know I’m alive… unless she’s holding me at gunpoint in my bathroom. What should I do?

Hapless Romantic

Dear Hapless,

The poets say, “Go with your heart”… Although I must caution that the vast majority of poets, before the twentieth century, died of syphilis.

Dear Bio-Engineered, Genetically-Modified Super-Intelligent Dog,

I’m having an issue with breast feeding my youngest: I can get my nipple into the baby’s mouth but, after a few moments of suckling, she rejects it outright. My wife and I are at our wits end. Any suggestions?

Sad Dad living in Chad

Dear Chad,

Domperidone can increase lactation in males but why not break another glass ceiling and let the wife breastfeed this one? I doubt she’d protest too much and it might help just in case you get institutionalized for being crazier than a rattlesnake in a bag full of wasps..