Ask a Genetically-Modified Bio-Engineered Super-Intelligent Dog: Low Fat Version

Dear Genetically-Modified Bio-Engineered Super-Intelligent Dog,

My boyfriend likes to sing along with the radio when we are in the car together; but, he only likes to sing along with the all-news channels. The other day, he was singing the NASDAQ to the tune of “Body and Soul”… I know I’m being overly sensitive, but now, whenever I read the business section, I can only think of Billie Holiday. What can I do?

Wit’s End in Wisconsin

Dear Wit,

Tell your boyfriend how you feel. Buy him some voice lessons. If these don’t work, keep a stray bottle of water in the car and squirt him when he starts singing. Just make sure the car is stopped when you do so.

Dear Genetically-Modified Bio-Engineered Super-Intelligent Dog,

I’ve been providing in-home care to my grandfather who is in the early stages of Alzheimer’s. He’s been trying to get through a book for weeks but, every morning, he wakes up having forgotten the part of the book he’s read; and, before the morning is out, he points to a passage in the book and asks me who Sisyphus was. Every morning I explain it to him, patiently. My question is this: Is there a Nobel Prize in Irony that I might qualify for? I could really use the money to spruce up grand-dad’s house… or, if there is enough money, buy a new grandfather.

Wit’s End in Wisconsin But not the Same as the One Just Above

Dear Self-referential Comedy Vehicle,

There is a Nobel Prize for Irony and it is called the “Best New Age Album Grammy”. Good luck!

Dear Genetically-Modified Bio-Engineered Super-Intelligent Dog,

My friend and I got into an argument. I said that I was a “citizen of the world”; but, he contended that I was a “friend to all mankind”. Well, one thing let to another and I punched him in the eye. Now, he won’t return my calls and refuses to lend me money. Should I bother fixing this relationship, considering his sensitivity to being contradicted and smacked?

Feels Too Much in Riverton

Dear Too Much,

Babylonian king Hammurabi would offer the solution of you allowing your friend to punch you in the eye… but, Hammurabi was pretty draconian. Oddly enough, when my friend read that, he said that Hammurabi was actually “punitive and brutal” which annoyed me to the point that I bit him in the ankle. He probably won’t return my phone calls either which is fine because, lacking fingers, I can neither make phone calls nor answer the phone.

Confidential to Worried Dad in North Haverbrook,

Writing medieval riddles for a living is not a viable lifestyle. The answer is always either a gold ring, an egg or a cloud… oh, and the guy with the shovel through his head is named “Doug”. Judging from your son’s skill set, I’d like to recommend a job shooting brown bears from a helicopter.