What Types of Jerky are there?

Beef: This is the most common jerky. It’s a very dark reddish brown and hard, like something you shouldn’t be eating; in fact, the texture is like no other food and more like a product you might find in a hardware store. Beef jerky may SEEM fibrous, but it will lock up your bowels tighter than a corset on a cape buffalo, which, oddly enough, makes a GREAT jerky.

Ostrich: Here’s the scenario: You have a hiking trip planned deep into the woods. The only problem? You can’t go without eating ostrich for more than a day. You got hooked on ostrich meat while you were in the Peace Corps. So, it’s ostrich jerky to the rescue. And, bring a lot because by now you know that one strip of ostrich jerky only gets you to normal at this point.

Squid: I have a history of eating things Asian women offer me in an effort to get them to like me, notice me or just hate me less. Fellow students and coworkers have managed to get me to eat things I wouldn’t have on a dare. But, the squid jerky stands out in that it is the only one of those foods I can still taste twenty years later.

Alpaca: You thought that they were too cute to be eaten but NOTHING is too cute to be eaten… that’s lifted directly out of the omnivores’ manifesto. Because they live so high up with some much more radiation, alpaca jerky can actually be made while the animal is alive.

Alligator: This should only be eaten in revenge for a missing arm. If alligator tastes so good, why weren’t massive herds of alligator driven across the west into train stations for shipments to stockyards? Essentially, eating alligator jerky is like eating a dinosaur… and you’ve seen what it’s done to Barney Rubble’s growth.

Rattlesnake: Historically, people made jerky when they had more meat than they could cook up and eat. So, the theory is that someone had roasted, fried and poached his rattlesnake stores and STILL had rattlesnake left over for drying. If you’ve got that much rattlesnake lying around, you’ve got some kind of vendetta going on.

Yak: Their jerky is a little gamy… well, maybe more than a little. In fact, “yak” is the term for what you’ll be doing in the bathroom all night after eating it.

Bison: Through conservation and great effort, the American Bison has been rescued from the jaws of extinction. Why not celebrate that fact by eating a portion of one? They kind of owe us.

Kangaroo: Kangaroos are giant muscle-bound humanoid deer-men who, frankly, should have been shot down as they were leaving their space ship. Now, we’ve got one continent that has herds of them. It’s only a matter of time before they spread throughout the globe. We need to eat as much kangaroo jerky as possible before the lizard people start using them as enforcers…

Emu: As if we needed another reason to hate emus. Judging from some of the reviews on Amazon, emu jerky is that other reason. Emus are ugly, violent and unpleasant… kind of like raising a flock of Katherine Hepburns.