Terse Llama Gives Medical Advice


Dear Terse Llama,

I had a nightmare about a penguin dying on a hot sidewalk in August although it might’ve been a dalmatian or maybe a tablecloth… I’m not an ornithologist. How do I turn this nightmare into a recurring nightmare? It was a little disturbing but I feel that dreaming about penguins will take pressure off of my brain because I’ll no longer have to dream in color.

Asleep in the Deep

Dear Deep,

If you want to dream in black-and-white, simply watch six hours of classic movies before retiring. You won’t dream in color AND there’s a good chance you’ll dream of Joan Crawford or Bette Davis and THEN you’ll be having a proper nightmare…


Dear Terse Llama,

I’d like to get the covid vaccine but, after serious research involving random Facebook posts, I’m worried that I’ll turn into a magnet if I do. It might be fun to be a magnet but all my credit cards will stop working. I also hear that there are transmitters in the vaccine which will allow Bill Gates to find me and force me to buy old copies of Windows Vista. How can I explain this to my friends without sounding crazy?

Confusetts in Massachusetts

Dear Non-Poet

That really depends on the friend. What might sound crazy to a rational person sounds perfectly normal to someone with no grasp of reality. Good luck on your campaign for state senate, by the way…


Dear Terse Llama,

Very recently, I was bitten by a copperhead while trying to teach it how to drink from a can of beer. I tried to remember the rhyme about snake bite but all I could come up with was “leaves of three, let it be” and “if you lift with your back, you’ll hear a crack”. My hand is really swollen and the copperhead STILL won’t drink the beer. What do I do?

Bit in Schmitt

Dear Bitten,

There are antivenom shots available at your nearest emergency room. You should get one despite the possibility of turning into a magnet. As for the snake, don’t buy such cheap beer and it might show more interest.


Dear Terse Llama,

I recently used the money I’d saved for college to buy a cool leather jacket. But, whenever I put it on, I get a pain in the nape of my neck. Am I allergic to leather? Should I stop eating beef? I have friends who are cows… should I avoid them??? Please advise because I’m starting to panic.

Nervous in Purvis

Dear Purv,

Let me commend you on giving up on a higher education. Maintain your bovine friendships… keeping in mind that eating beef might strain those relationships. As for your allergy, if you remove the price tag from the collar of your jacket, your allergy symptoms will probably subside.


Confidential to Alone in Yellowstone: Don’t take it personally. ANYONE wearing marshmallow trousers would get a similar reaction from bears.

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