Love and Ann

Rattlesnake bites California man who tried to pick it up with BBQ tongs |  KXAN Austin

Our love grew more each day.

Each business day… then, at midnight Friday, our love dropped sharply off until midnight Sunday. I remember one Sunday morning waking up to find that she’d tattooed two eyes on my forehead. This drove my dog crazy because she didn’t know where to look when I talked to her. But, like clockwork, on Monday, her love for me began to grow again; and, by Friday, she was so in love with me that she didn’t know what to do. Last Friday, she told me that I was her everything. I asked her if that included anchovies. She replied, “yes”. I was unsure how to react…

We wrote together; in fact, the idea for the bio-engineered genetically-modified super-intelligent dog came from her. She based the character on her brother, who was also super-intelligent, bio-engineered and a dog. I wanted to give her credit but her name has literally no consonants in it. We worked on a list together called, “How the Pilgrims were Like Aquaman” and we ended up with over two hundred items. Before I could publish it, she used it to create her doctoral thesis in Folklore and Mythology. After that, if I cried out in the throes of passion, “Ann!”, she would stop everything to tell me, “That’s ‘Dr. Ann’”. I didn’t think this was particularly fair because, even after I attained the status of Lord in the United Kingdom, she would still call out, “Oh Dumbass!” while in the throes of passion. But, at least I was her anchovies…

We didn’t always agree on what was funny. She contended that there be a shark joke in every batch; whereas, I thought referring to my penis every three pieces or so was sufficient. BTW, she called my penis “Rattlesnake” not because of its size or shape but more because my penis has fangs and a poison sac. I don’t think that’s normal, but I’ve never asked anyone. Anyway… she had her own theory on humor. She felt that you could build an entire stage comedy around federalism. I laughed at this because who’d watch a play based on one of the authors of The Federalist Papers? I liked the idea of there being a genie that only one person could see and that person would be a hillbilly millionaire who lives in Beverly Hills. I watched a lot of television growing up.

Eventually, like the Red Sea, Ann and I parted. Unlike the Red Sea, Ann took half my books and a few of my dress shirts. Our goodbye kiss was poignant, sweet and judging from her reaction, unexpected and weird…

But, it was a Sunday evening, after all…

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