Ask a Genetically-Modified, Bio-Engineered, Super-Intelligent Dog: The Director’s Cut

Top 10 dog breeds that live the longest

Dear Traumatically Modified Super Dog,

I was in my yard and overheard my neighbor referring to me as “white trash”. He didn’t see me there because I was behind the old refrigerator lying in the tall grass of my front yard. I thought he and I were getting along… in fact, I thought he liked me because every time I fired my guns in celebration, he’d call the police over to make sure everything was okay. This has caused me to rethink my entire image. What do I do?

Sophisticated in Savannah

Dear Sophist.

Go to the mall and ask a random woman what she thinks your social and economic classes are. If you wife ends up fighting that woman in the parking lot, you’ll know you’re white trash.

paw
Dear Genetically-Modified, Bio-Engineered, Super-Intelligent Dog,

There’s a party in my mouth and everyone is invited. My main concern is, I don’t have insurance and someone might injure himself on my teeth. Also, should I move my tongue to the roof of my mouth or over to the side to accommodate more partiers?

Freaking Out in Freemont

Dear Freak,

I remember the first time I smoked pot… well bits and pieces of it… If it’s your first time, avoid live theater and horse stables. Just take my word for it.

paw
Dear Genetically-Modified, Bio-Engineered, Super-Intelligent Dog,

Ever since my wife left me, I’ve been terrified of women and the horribly sadistic ways they can hurt me. The other day, a woman walked up to me and said, “Excuse me” so I gave her my wallet and car keys and ran away. I’ve considered homosexuality, but I don’t have the color-sense for it. Can you help me?

Terrified in Tennessee

Dear Terri,

Any color sense I could teach you would be superficial at best. My advice is to work your way back up to women via effeminate men; then, hermaphrodites; then, masculine women; and finally try talking to a stereotypical woman. With any luck, she’ll draw you in like all the others and destroy you utterly…

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