[After six months of unemployment, I have a job. Please allow me to share my wisdom on this subject with you]
Don’t ask when you can apply for long-term disability.
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Don’t install Skyrim on your work computer. If, for some reason, it is already ON your work computer, don’t start a Wizard character because they are completely LAME.
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When having a video meeting, do NOT forget to wear pants. I doubt anyone will find out, but you’ll have a look on your face like you’re getting away with something.
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Don’t ask if you can subcontract your work out to a grad student.
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When you are creating your work profile, do NOT put “arson” under special skills. That should be put under hobbies.
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They might ask for a photograph to go with your profile. Do NOT give them that photo that makes you look crazy or the one where one eye is smaller than the other. You MAY have to spend some time on Photo-shop.
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Don’t offer to “take the minutes” at a half-hour group meeting and then turn in a document that simply reads, “30”.
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If they ask about any nicknames by which you’d like to be called, DON’T tell them that, at your old job, they called you, “Captain Lawsuit”…
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Work is NOT like prison. You don’t find the smartest and most competent person in the company and knock him or her out on your first day. Instead, start a rumor that they play Skyrim all day and don’t wear pants.
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Don’t ask for your first year’s wages in advance…
Potatoes and the Promise of More Potatoes 
Whooooo. Whooooo. And Whooooo. Congrats Charles and now you’ve written the post make sure you follow the advice. (Though I’d still play Skyrim) 😛
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What a game, eh? I wasted hundreds of hours of my life on it; and, if they come up with a sequel, hundreds more!
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I’m going to be honest here Charles, I didn’t understand it. I’m more of a Banjo Kazowie girl myself. Peter said congrats on the job ☺️
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Thank Pete! It’s been a long time without a reason to dread Mondays.
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I find using someone else’s photo on your profile works well also. Harder for them to find you in the office when it’s time to chip in for Karen’s get well bouquet.
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I find combining someone else’s photo with someone else’s name to be the most effective. But, use your own birth date. To do otherwise would be dishonest.
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Even better.
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And don’t have a copy of “Bartleby the Scrivener” on your desk, or respond to each new assignment with “I’d prefer not to.”
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Even worse, don’t admit that one of your favorite books is Moby Dick.
I actually worked with someone who preferred not to. He didn’t last long in the job. Proof that even government workers can be fired…
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I worked with someone in State Government who also preferred not to, but it took him amassing a large unregistered gun collection and threatening people before he was canned.
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Good lord!
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Don’t try to save money by helping yourself to everyone else’s lunch.
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That’s a big one. I’ve never understood people eating food prepared by a co-worker. That takes a lot of either trust or desperation…
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Congratulations on the new job! I’ve been looking around myself. I haven’t been offered anything – maybe it is the no pants thing that is holding me back. I’ll try my next video meeting with pants ON. Got it!
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I had an offer in the very beginning, but they kept botching the security clearance process until I gave up on them. I’m sure you’ll land something soon… with or without pants!
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I’m not sure if you’re being satirical with the “new job” thing or if you actually have a new job….but if you do…are old people hireable? This might motivate me in some small way…
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I’m sixty and, yes, they hired me…
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Hmmmm….well, that will get you out of the house. Enjoy yourself!
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Nope… working from home.
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