How to Fake Amnesia

Fact or cartoon fiction: Can the 'double conk' cure amnesia? - WHYY

Avoid looking nostalgic.

There is a time and a place to fake amnesia. If your wife catches you in bed with another woman, fake a stroke. If you get caught shoplifting, fake a heart attack. If you lose your children’s college money in Atlantic City, fake amnesia.

Someone who has seen WAY too many cartoons might hit you over the head to bring your memory back.

When you get home, pretend you don’t know where the bathroom is, despite it being the only room in the house with a toilet.

Faking amnesia is a great excuse for forgetting your spouse’s birthday… although, if he or she is particularly sensitive and volatile, you might have to fake a heart attack as well…

To make your pretend amnesia more believable, develop characteristics you didn’t have before… like making up ailments to distract from your complete lack of ethics… and maybe a German accent.

It’s okay to forget the names of your spouse, children and pet, but, if you have to pretend to forget about basic hygiene, like what a toothbrush is for, you may have won a pyrrhic victory.

Fake amnesia allows you to reinvent yourself. Before, you were a working-class schlub who no one noticed; after faking a traumatic brain event, you can make yourself into an habitual liar that no one notices.

You may slip up. If you do, add the phrase, “Whatever THAT is” to whatever you just said.

When you’re “cured”, don’t get better all at once. First, recognize the people that you actually like; then, recognize the ones you can tolerate; your mother-in-law, you can call “Fred” for the rest of her life.

15 thoughts on “How to Fake Amnesia

  1. I fake it so I can pretend not to remember unimportant details. Turns out, all details are unimportant. I take a lesson from my cat: where’s the food, my bed? That’s about all that’s really really important. btw, drop by my new post where I discuss weighty subjects of the world with my crew…

    Liked by 1 person

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