A romantic dinner is a great way of showing your love for a woman and it’s a good chance to watch her eat, in order to gauge how heavy she’ll get after marriage. To gauge how heavy you’ll get, just add ten pounds for each candy bar you ate on your way to pick her up.
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If you have a beard, avoid foods that might get stuck in there such as gravies, sauces or condiments; in fact, it is best if you just have water… considering you filled up on candy bars in the car earlier it won’t be much of a hardship.
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Don’t make your Valentines date the same as your normal dates; so, if you normally take your lover out to fascinating and fun places, try taking her to some place different… like a soup kitchen or the dumpsters behind a grocery store.
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Women like impulsive wacky evenings unless they end in the emergency room or miles out of town with no vehicle. So, carefully plan each impulsive act…
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A poem to your lover is often the key to her heart. Avoid epic poetry or limericks. Also, if she has a gigantic nose, leave that OUT of the poem… no matter how many great rhymes there are for “nose”.
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If you’ve chosen Valentines Day as the day you’ll break up with your girlfriend, hide the sharp things so that, when she acts impulsively, you’ll only have bruises and fractures.
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What is a good movie to see with a woman on Valentines Day? A good rule of thumb is, if it is a movie you’d never see in a million billion years, it is probably perfect.
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Don’t make your first Valentines date with a woman too strenuous because, if you romantically recreate it twenty-five years later, you don’t want to slip a disc in your back.
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“They’re playing our song” is a romantic thing to say but make sure there’s actually music playing and not just police sirens and dogs barking.
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If it helps, think of Valentines Day as a test that decides if the sex you’ll be having that night will happen with more than one person in the room.
Potatoes and the Promise of More Potatoes 
Lord Byron, quote the great bard … failing that … don’t drive angry
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“She walks in beauty like the night of cloudless climes and starry skies”
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Wow 😯
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The only Shelley I know is Ozymandias…
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You must have fought off the ladies in your day….
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Let’s just say that I was an acquired taste…
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So when did epic poetry and limericks go out of style for valentine’s day? I hope to hell haikus are still in.
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Haikus were NEVER in…
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St. Valentine is reported to have been beheaded (by emperor Claudius II), so if you want to lose your head on this day, try to convert your Valentines Day date to Christianity (unless she’s already Christian and you’re not, in which case, let her convert you).
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Or, convert both… a two-point conversion!
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I literally laughed out loud at these. “Playing Our Song” with only noises and sirens!
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Well, you know what Dracula said: “The children of the night. How sweetly they sing!”
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Clue #1 that it’s likely you’ll have sex with more than one person in the room is if you are asked to relinquish your keys into a community collection container.
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So, it’s one of THOSE parties…
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I see you’re already familiar…
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