Still More Medical Advice from a Terse Llama

Dear Terse Llama,

I’ve gotten into the habit of forgetting words. When I do, I tend to substitute the word I want to use with a random word. When I do, I get so embarrassed that my skin breaks out in goats; it gets so I don’t even want to marshmallow in public anymore. Is there anything I can do to trachea this before it Marshall Tucker Band?

Blocked in Bayonne

Dear Blocked,

It’s possible that you played too much Mad-Libs as a child; but, more likely, your vocabulary is so large that some of it is leaking into your everyday conversations. I’d recommend you reduce your vocabulary by either hitting yourself in the head with a mallet; or, having a long conversation with Sylvester Stallone…

☼☼☼

Dear Terse Llama,

I woke up two weeks ago and found myself being dubbed in Turkish. This has, as you might’ve guessed, alienated some of my friends. My dog doesn’t come to me, anymore, because she doesn’t speak Turkish. I don’t even speak Turkish. I’m thinking of striking up a friendship or romance with a Turkish interpreter just so I can find out what I’m saying. Can you help or at least make some sarcastic comment for the purpose of entertainment?

Byzantine in Abilene

Dear Byzy,

History gives us many examples of people who’ve awakened from comas speaking a different language. I doubt you’ve been in a coma recently but you have been in Abilene, which is the same thing medically. My advice is to gesture what you mean while you talk and people will just assume that you are mumbling.

☼☼☼

Dear Terse Llama,

My mother recently revealed to me that I wasn’t her child but a compilation of other children she’d had and others that she’d known. She said it was better this way because she’s less likely to get sued when she writes her memoirs. Is this a common issue in families? I think it explains why my upper left body has a different blood type than the rest of my body.

Not Myself in Roanoke

Dear Roanoke,

It definitely isn’t common… and any similarity between you and persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

☼☼☼

Confidential to Rabid in Cedar Rapids – Irrigating your colon is one thing; but, what you’re doing violates the laws of physics.