FAQ on Pet Tortoises

Texas family searching for a 90-pound pet tortoise that escaped

Do Tortoises make good pets? They do, if your definition of a “good pet” is one that doesn’t move much, can’t be cuddled and has no feelings for you whatsoever. Think of a tortoise as a Rumba that doesn’t actually vacuum and leaves droppings randomly throughout the house.

Can tortoises swim? No. But, if thrown with enough force, they can be skipped across the surface of the water.

How do I know if my tortoise is happy? If it is dancing and whistling a jaunty tune. Or, you can wait until it is occupied with something and take a quick peek at its diary…

How often should I bathe my tortoise? About once a week for an adult tortoise. You should only shampoo a tortoise once a month unless you want to spend a fortune on hair gel.

Should I wake my tortoise up in the morning? Not unless it has a job to get to.

Are tortoises deaf? No. If your tortoise doesn’t respond to your call it probably doesn’t like you. Maybe try switching hair gels.

Is tortoise feces toxic to humans? Why the HELL would ANYONE need to know that?

Should I cut my tortoise’s nails? Tortoises don’t need their nails trimmed but, if you decide to do it anyway, remember that they usually prefer Cotton Candy Pink nail polish.

My wife just gave me a tortoise for my birthday but I don’t know what to feed it. What do you recommend? A divorce?

What do I need to know before buying a tortoise? I guess the most important thing you need to know is someone who sells tortoises.

14 thoughts on “FAQ on Pet Tortoises

      1. In Australia yes. Lettuce are being substituted by cabbage in the last food outlets or omitted. If you can find one in the shops they are up to $5.60 ea

        Liked by 1 person

    1. How could anyone get bored with a tortoise? I love it when they chase squirrels and roll over… wait, are we talking about dogs?

      I think your ex was just jealous that the tortoise was named “Zeus”… kind of a hard name to top…


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