Stuff and Junk

I’ve written things that were masterpieces but not “beloved masterpieces”. Because the only works they get the designation as “beloved” are children’s books. Why? Because if children love a book you’ll know it because they’ll demand you read it to them over and over and OVER until you finally FREAK OUT and replace its ending with a synopsis of the last twenty minutes of the ultra-gory movie, Hostel… Oops, I’m sorry…

The “beloved” ultra-gory movie, Hostel…

☼

“Timeless Classic” is a different type of book entirely. It is a work that transcends time to work through themes as old as humankind itself. Like an astronaut fighting a cave man. Or a dinosaur who falls in love with Sarah Jessica Parker. How can you tell something is a timeless classic?

If they leave out the copyright date.

☼

The original monkey bars were not for children. They were dark dangerous places where a gibbon could go to drink his life away. When the bars were banned, due to one too many thrown feces incidents, it became the term for any all you could eat buffet that had at least three monkey-based selections. When the term finally settled on playground equipment, it must’ve confused and angered some monkeys but it wasn’t as bad as it could’ve been due to the near extinction of most monkey species…

So, it was win/win…

☼

If I have trouble sleeping, I don’t use warm milk or Ambian… I prefer ALL NATURAL fainting. I have my son hide a snake somewhere around the house, in a drawer or a cabinet. Then, when I have trouble sleeping, I wander downstairs and rummage around until the snake pops up; then, I pass out. And, I sleep deeply and well until I have the inevitable snake-dream. It’s foolproof except when my son doesn’t drag me upstairs. Sometimes he charges others money to see “a dead body”. He doesn’t do that as much, now, because his friends are in their late twenties and any of them that wanted to see a dead body could easily find a job where that’s a good possibility.

Counting sheep didn’t work due to the fact that I’d get anxious if I saw the same sheep more than once because I wouldn’t know whether to count it twice or only the first time.

☼

I don’t wear a mask when I go out anymore. It was kind of useful when I did because I didn’t have to wash that part of my face; and, it kept me ready at all times for any impromptu surgery I might have to perform…

And, if something went wrong with the surgery, they’d never be able to identify me…

☼

“It’s a simple concept”, said the salesman, “We pool our money to build a new tomb for Egypt’s Fourth Dynasty pharaoh Khufu. The Egyptian government is so grateful, we get a special trade deal and we make out like bandits… ESPECIALLY, those who invested early”

“Wait a minute… is this some kind of pyramid scheme?”

☼

Scientists say that crows are as smart as seven year old kids. So, if your child is outsmarted by a crow, and he is eight or older, you might want to have him evaluated by a professional.

If the professional isn’t very smart, he may be a crow… or five or six crows standing on one another’s shoulders.

☼

Water covers three quarters of the Earth’s surface. By all rights, WE, as a species, should be living in the ocean but we moved to dry land when we got tired of our hats floating away. Lions, tigers and snakes followed suit giving us the food chain.

Oddly enough, when we first came ashore, trout thought we might be trouble and THEY moved back to the ocean… which was EXACTLY what the sharks had been waiting for…

☼

Mushrooms predate trees. Four hundred million years ago, they reached heights up to twenty-four feet because there was less competition; but, let’s be honest here, if you are competing with a mushroom in the first place, you aren’t really trying very hard. Scientists have also determined that taller mushrooms meant taller gnomes and fairies, who used the fungi for shelter and to do that disturbing gnome dance.

These giants went extinct about three hundred and fifty million years ago, so, if you think you saw one, it was probably just a tall guy with a hat or maybe a pagoda.

☼

Dogs are probably the most loyal of all animals, outside of helper-gorillas, of course; but, they are loyal because, at one point, you fed them and treated them well. If you start beating a dog the day you buy it, the only thing you’ll be able to count on is the animal’s hot breath on your throat just before you see a white light at the end of a tunnel.

At the other end of the tunnel are all of your previous pets… and they are NOT happy to see you.