Gorillas seldom attack people, which is what it makes the times they DO attack people so much more special. A gorilla attack is available to anyone with a gorilla, a joy-buzzer and a lot of poor judgment. When the fight is on, here are a few tips on surviving and even winning the battle.
First, make sure you are actually being attacked. Some gorillas just have boundary issues.
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If a fight is imminent, try to make yourself look as large as possible. The gorilla might assume you’ve put on weight, might feel bad for you and not hurt you quite so much.
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While fighting try to find the gorilla’s self-destruct button. All gorillas have self-destruct buttons or maybe I’m thinking of Stealth Fighter airplanes. I know it’s one or the other.
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In gorilla country, try keeping something with you that can repel or frighten a a gorilla. I recommend a light saber or maybe two gorillas.
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Try to confuse the gorilla by doing something unexpected… like singing an aria from Verdi’s Rigoletto or transforming into a Wyvern…
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When facing a gorilla, forget everything you know about martial arts or hand to hand combat. You’ll forget everything else after the gorilla has hit you over the head a few times.
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While you are grappling with the gorilla, trying to get an idea of each other’s strength, put a hat like a bowler or one of those Disney Donald Duck caps onto the gorillas head. He’ll still beat you horribly, but he’ll look like a dork doing it…
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Feint to the gorilla’s weaker side, then move your balance back and then destroy his habitat. That’s been the most effective technique so far.
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Use the gorilla’s weight and momentum against him. Say, “You call that momentum, fatso?”. The derision might intimidate the gorilla and he’ll leave. Doesn’t work so well on gorillas with self-esteem.
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If you have a tranquilizer gun, fire three darts into the animal; then, get a big bag of Doritos and a DVD of the second Matrix movie… and chill. Note that there are a wide range of movies you can use with this technique but do NOT use the third Matrix movie because it will kick off a homicidal rage in the gorilla… which is the same effect that movie had on the rest of us.
Potatoes and the Promise of More Potatoes 
Hmmph—I rather liked all three Matrix movies…
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There were four…
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I know, but I haven’t seen the newest fourth one yet.
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I would say, “DON’T”, but you liked the third one so… anything goes!
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OMG, I was thinking about typing a matrix quip while reading this, and then you did one, that’s so matrix
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“Whoa! I know kung fu”
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Something to repel or frighten a gorilla? Try Taylor Swift on an endless loop…
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Hey! Taylor Swift is a respected musical artist and I will not—Sorry, I can’t defend her with a straight face…
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“Feint to the gorilla’s weaker side, then move your balance back and then destroy his habitat. That’s been the most effective technique so far.” Oh, nice one! Dian Fossey would be proud…👏👏👏👏👏
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I feel bad because I couldn’t come up with an effective way to beat a gorilla in combat… I’VE FAILED YOU ALL!!!
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🤣🤣🤣
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If it’s a lowland gorilla, you can simply run to higher ground,
And if it’s a highland gorilla, you can simply run to lower….
But if it’s a midland gorilla, you have a choice to turn around
And either toss a coin, or think it over before it’s over.
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For gorillas, I have to concede,
That altitude defines the breed…
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Thank you so much for these handy tips. I’ve always worried about what I would do if I found myself in this situation, but now I feel greatly relieved.
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I’m glad I could help and, for God’s sake, DON’T USE ANY OF THE TIPS!
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Oh, come o-o-o-n, don’t be a spoilsport. Everyone ELSE runs away when I sing Verdi, I don’t see why a gorilla should be any different…
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And be sure to check first that it really is a gorilla and not one of your exes…
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My ex was more of a tick…
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