So, You’re in a Fight with a Gorilla…

Gorillaz - Dig!

Gorillas seldom attack people, which is what it makes the times they DO attack people so much more special. A gorilla attack is available to anyone with a gorilla, a joy-buzzer and a lot of poor judgment. When the fight is on, here are a few tips on surviving and even winning the battle.

First, make sure you are actually being attacked. Some gorillas just have boundary issues.

If a fight is imminent, try to make yourself look as large as possible. The gorilla might assume you’ve put on weight, might feel bad for you and not hurt you quite so much.

While fighting try to find the gorilla’s self-destruct button. All gorillas have self-destruct buttons or maybe I’m thinking of Stealth Fighter airplanes. I know it’s one or the other.

In gorilla country, try keeping something with you that can repel or frighten a a gorilla. I recommend a light saber or maybe two gorillas.

Try to confuse the gorilla by doing something unexpected… like singing an aria from Verdi’s Rigoletto or transforming into a Wyvern…

When facing a gorilla, forget everything you know about martial arts or hand to hand combat. You’ll forget everything else after the gorilla has hit you over the head a few times.

While you are grappling with the gorilla, trying to get an idea of each other’s strength, put a hat like a bowler or one of those Disney Donald Duck caps onto the gorillas head. He’ll still beat you horribly, but he’ll look like a dork doing it…

Feint to the gorilla’s weaker side, then move your balance back and then destroy his habitat. That’s been the most effective technique so far.

Use the gorilla’s weight and momentum against him. Say, “You call that momentum, fatso?”. The derision might intimidate the gorilla and he’ll leave. Doesn’t work so well on gorillas with self-esteem.

If you have a tranquilizer gun, fire three darts into the animal; then, get a big bag of Doritos and a DVD of the second Matrix movie… and chill. Note that there are a wide range of movies you can use with this technique but do NOT use the third Matrix movie because it will kick off a homicidal rage in the gorilla… which is the same effect that movie had on the rest of us.

18 thoughts on “So, You’re in a Fight with a Gorilla…

  1. If it’s a lowland gorilla, you can simply run to higher ground,
    And if it’s a highland gorilla, you can simply run to lower….
    But if it’s a midland gorilla, you have a choice to turn around
    And either toss a coin, or think it over before it’s over.

    Liked by 2 people

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