Real Ice Cream Flavors that Make You Question Everything

White pepper: Gourmets say that the white pepper gives a musky flavor to the vanilla ice cream; and, isn’t that our biggest gripe with plain vanilla? Not enough musk?

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Green tea: On a good day, green tea tastes like a mud puddle in a spinach garden. Some people WILL enjoy this flavor because a part of them feels like they haven’t suffered enough. Oh, and STOP PUTTING TEA INTO BAKED GOODS. It tastes like someone mixed the ingredients during an earthquake while random things fell off the pantry shelves…

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Gingerbread: I question the sanity of anyone basing an ice cream flavor on the only cookie children stuff under the couch cushions to avoid eating.

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Sake: I don’t mind the flavor of sake and I love the short term buzz you get when you drink it warm. But, I’ve never taken a sip and then thought to myself, “I wish more things tasted like this”

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Horse Ice Cream: I thought, “Maybe this is heroin ice cream” which would’ve been acceptable in that they’d get a lot of repeat business; but, this is raw horse meat in vanilla ice cream, brought to you by our friends in Japan. This proves what I’ve been saying for years: “With the exception of crazy people, the Japanese are the craziest people on Earth”…

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Cream cheese: The most forgettable cheese, now in frozen form. Why not use a real cheese, like a Danish Blue or Stilton? Then, I Googled it and YES there are blue cheese ice creams. I find myself resenting Google more and more.

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Anchovy and salmon: Why not have the same dessert as your cat?

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Artichoke and fennel: Artichokes are kind of a fad right now… a quick internet search returned artichoke pie, artichoke pizza, artichoke smoothie… I looked up “artichoke enema” and, much to my relief, there were none; but, now I know more about the artichoke’s effect on the bowel than I ever wanted to. And fennel is the herb used to give Italian sausage the unusual “is this how it’s supposed to taste”. Together in an ice cream, the two only confuse and irritate the the person eating it.

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Licorice: One day, licorice woke up and realized it was being used as candy and couldn’t figure out how it happened. I’m pretty sure that alcohol was involved. Licorice ice cream should only be eaten if you’ve tried every other ice cream flavor and need closure…

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Bubble gum: No one chews bubble gum for that delicious bubble gum flavor. As a gum-chewing brat, gum spent about five percent of its time in my mouth tasting like something and ninety-five percent of that time a flavorless wad of obsessive compulsive disorder.

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Cotton candy: Cotton candy is like Jack Daniels Whiskey in that most adults have overindulged in one or the other and the resulting experience is a lifetime of disgust and nausea. Frankly, if you DIDN’T fall asleep into your cotton candy on the way home from the circus or fair, you should be legally compelled to REDO childhood.