I used to harshly judge people who lied to their children about where they came from; but, one day I thought about it: “Your dad and I drank too much alcohol and nine months later you came out of the same place that pee does” is not a scenario that inspires confidence in a six-year-old. A stork inspires confidence… I’ve never had any doubt one could carry an infant… although how the infant escapes smelling of fish, I can’t imagine. At least the infants found under cabbage leaves smell like coleslaw. I have been to the baby store and have to tell you that there are no actual babies for sale… just clothes and outfits with the baby scooped out. I’m sure you see exactly where I’m going with this: We were all created by nebulae.
“Nebulae?”, you ask, “Is that even spelled right? It doesn’t look right”
“Is that any way to talk about your mother???”
A nebula is a cloud of dust and hydrogen. It can be hundreds of light-years wide and most of them look like actor Sam Rockwell from certain angles. The matter-density in a nebula is LESS than artificial vacuums we create here on Earth. I’m not sure if that’s and indictment of the artificial vacuum technology on Earth or an indictment of the nebulae. They glow from starlight being filtered through trace elements and hydrogen. So, they can be several different colors but most never fit right around the neck and shoulders.
Nebulae are one of the few astronomical objects that we name based on what they look like… from one angle. Another planet sees something completely different. So, we might call something “The Eagle Nebula”; while, an alien on the other side calls it, “The Bear Juggling Fawns Nebula”.
Until early in the twentieth century, astronomers designated anything not in our galaxy as a nebula. Even in some movies, characters talk about the “Andromeda Nebula”. This was the last vestige of our insistence that we were special in the universe. The thought of entire galaxies of other solar systems was depressing. But, good news, some nebulae were actually nebulae all along, so they wouldn’t need new id cards and name-tags. And, what better mother than one that weighs almost nothing and is vast? “You mama so big when she sits around her quadrant of the galaxy, she really sits AROUND her quadrant of the galaxy”. The mama jokes write themselves, which is good because we’ll need to blame someone for them besides ourselves…
After sitting around for a while, nebulae start clotting. Weak gravity is still gravity and almost no matter is still SOME matter; and, since the universe has all the time in the world… the world having not been created yet, things will eventually start sticking together. When enough things stick together, you’ll get some kind of star and a flock of wreckage called “the planets”. Everything we see is made of the elements from their nebula.
I caution you not to tell your children about this due to the inevitable falling out when he blurts, “I don’t have to do what you say: You’re not my REAL mom. I wanna live with Solar Nebula!”. Some people think that this is why most astronomers have such poor relationships with their families; but, I think you also have to consider their off-putting personalities…
Potatoes and the Promise of More Potatoes 
And if this is true? The next time someone tells you to get your head out of the clouds you can tell them you’re just looking for your mother. That will shut them up.
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Yeah, except my mom used to lock herself in her car when she needed to get away from us.
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Rosalie Sorrels taught me where babies come from:
“This is the day we give babies away
With a half a pound of tea.
You just open the lid, and out pops the kid
With a twelve month guarantee.
This is the day we give babies away
With a half a pound of tea.
If you know any ladies who want any babies
Just send them round to me.”
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Of course, she also taught me that:
“There’s an island way out in the seas
Where the babies they all grow on trees.
And it’s jolly good fun
To swing in the sun,
But ya gotta watch out if you sneeze, sneeze.
Ya gotta watch out if you sneeze.”
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The second one reminds me all the world of Edward Lear. Specifically, The Owl and the Pussycat… I’m guessing you’re familiar with him.
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Christian children are told that they are created in the image of God, and that their bodies are the temple of the Holy Spirit, which goes over well in general. Unless a kid is both rebellious and clever. A woman whose son I knew was not that well behaved was telling me, “I almost spanked him one time…” (I thought, “Almost?! One time?“) (I was also thinking that explained a lot…) “but,” she continued, “then he said, ‘didn’t you tell me my body was a temple of the Holy Spirit? Would you spank God’s temple?’ ”
I looked over at the kid, and he was smirking and looking rather proud of himself. I replied, looking right at him, “But when Jesus saw some shenanigans going on in the Temple, he took a whip and drove the evil right out!” I knew by the look on the kid’s face that he knew his party was over.
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A ten year old child can turn into the foxiest lawyer you ever saw. My oldest was forever citing precedent to me.
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