My Apologies!

Platonic Apology: Named after noted Greek philosophy, Platon. Consists of a LOT of explanation and tenuous logic with a few passive aggressive admissions of “guilt” sprinkled in. Historically, this was the first apology ever made; and it was so successful that Socrates was allowed the freedom to drink the poison they gave him voluntarily rather than have it shoved forcefully down his smug throat…

The Objectivity is Subjective Apology: Starts with the assumption that the person being apologized to is the one with the problem. It’s a perception issue… maybe even cultural. It is the apology equivalent of wiping all of your fingerprints from the scene of the crime. Example: I’m sorry if you feel that my pinching your ass during a performance review was “inappropriate”…

The Predictive Apology: This apology relies on the borrowing from FUTURE good behavior for forgiveness. And, like all speculative investments, this one requires a very good salesperson. Best accomplished if you surround yourself with gullible people. Example: I’m sorry for pinching your ass and I will try very hard not to ever have it happen again…

The Simple Apology: Currently listed as “endangered, almost extinct”. Example: I apologize for what I’ve done.

The Very Complicated Apology: Usually begins with, “It’s like this…”. And, only ends after an epic fantasy of peace, magic and maybe a few police cars thrown in for good measure. Example: “It’s like this: Eleven years ago, I was finishing up my Master’s degree at night school in Business Administration and there was this guy I attended classes with who I talked to once in a while but not often and he was a little weird; later, I’d run into him in different places and with a different woman on his arm, a LOT more than you might expect in a city of this size but he never really said or did anything; often, though, I’d see the women that were with him later that week in a grocery store or at the bus stop and you looked kind of like one of those women and, frankly, I was tired of running and tired of the anxiety so I decided to fight back and let you guys know that I know something is up and THAT is why I pinched your ass. Sorry…”

The Anything-for-Sex Apology: Exactly like the Very Complicated Apology but thirty percent more desperate. Example: “I am sorry that you thought you saw me in bed with your sister and, that is exactly what was going on but I have a really good reason for it. Eleven years ago, I was finishing up my master’s degree…”

The Grand Nothing Apology: It’s the kind of apology you might get from the guy on the Monopoly box. Something epic and overstated. Usually made right before he sics his dogs on you. For extra points, say it in a Katherine Hepburn voice. Example: A thousand pardons! I couldn’t be more apologetic about pinching you, really… release the hounds!…

The Kitchen Sink Apology: The apologizer decides, since he is already apologizing, to make a clean breast of it, with “it” being everything he’s ever gotten away with. You know about the butt-pinching, but did you also know that he photoshopped naked pictures of you on a surfboard AND won a small cash prize for his work? Example: I’m sorry I pinched you and, you might as well know it, I’ve also been rubbing myself against your desk after you leave for the day… sorry about that, too… and for that thing I was doing to your coffee…”

The Ironic Twist Apology: Another passive aggressive apology. And, remember: You cannot spell “passive aggressive” without “ass”. He starts off apologizing, then, it’s about YOU! Even Rod Serling couldn’t see a twist like that coming. Example: I apologize for assuming that you wouldn’t get so bent out of shape over a friendly squeeze of the buttocks.

The Empty Offer Apology: Wants to fix everything by offering to do things no human is capable of. Example: I’m sorry and if there is anything I can do to un-pinch your ass, I will gladly do it.

The Passive Voice Apology: No matter how angry you get when this kind of apology is offered, you have to admire the commitment to the passive voice being used. It is the apology that is mostly given by sociopaths. Example: I am sorry that your ass was pinched. Mistakes were made. Apologies are being given.