Things You Should Never Do With Scissors

[Your parents told you never to run with scissors; however, they neglected to tell you everything. Is it any wonder that, in a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors, the scissors can be dispatched with a simple rock? Well, here are some other things you shouldn’t try to do with scissors:]

Never run with scissors.

Never give scissors even limited power of attorney

Never confide in scissors. The best you can hope for in return is a cutting remark.

Don’t watch an Adam Sandler marathon with scissors or anyone else for that matter.

Don’t take a pair of scissors to a wine tasting. Scissors cannot appreciate fully the smoky fruitiness of a fine Shiraz mostly because they don’t have mouths.

Don’t bring scissors to your medal of honor ceremony because, when you salute, you’ll put out an eye.

Don’t take your scissors outside to watch you trim the hedge. Hedge clippers will make it feel inadequate.

Do not use scissors to create a complicated real estate pyramid scheme. If anything goes wrong, you’ll still be the one to take the fall.

Don’t smoke dope with scissors. They probably won’t freak out; but, if they do, imagine the damage they could do to your books, hair and important documents…

Don’t let scissors check you for a hernia because the potential for disaster is ever-present. A doctor will only charge you a nominal fee for an examination; and, sometimes you can get a stranger on the subway to do it for free…