[This is the mid-term for Ethics of Empirical Rationalist Existentialists of the Reformation. Please answer every question as completely as possible, unless told to do exactly the opposite; in that case, decide for yourself]
Someone cuts you off in traffic and you have a remote control that will make his head explode. Do you A) explode his head immediately, because, how else will he learn? Or, B) wait until he stops at a light before using it to avoid hurting innocent people?
If a beautiful woman came to you and offered herself to you and NO ONE would know about it, including you… or her, would you A) take her utterly in ways that you’ve only read about in books or seen on German television; or, B) wake up and realize you are back in your own miserable life.
A mysterious man comes to you with a million dollars in a briefcase and a box with a button on it. He will give you the million dollars if you press the button on the box; but, that button will kill someone somewhere in the world. Do you A) refuse? Or, B) do you explode his head with the previously mentioned remote control, take the money and the box with the button, just in case…
You are shopping for feminine products for your wife and the cashier gives to ten dollars too much in change. She will sleep with you if you give her the ten dollars back and any boxes you might have with buttons on them. No one would know about it but you would feel no physical sensation during the act of sex. Oh… and there’s a Gestapo guard who will kill one of her children if he finds out that she cut him off in traffic. Do you A) answer this question “B”, B) ignore “A” and “B” or C) All of the above except clouds and stars.
You are the only witness who can exonerate a man for a capital crime. You know this man has had an affair with your wife. Do you A) testify in his behalf; or, B) confront him to find out what, in the name of God, he sees in her?
You are manacled to a small child with steel chains connecting the two of you at the ankles. The key to unlock the manacles is located near the child’s heart. You’ve been given surgical equipment but your remote control that explodes heads has been taken away from you. You have very little experience removing keys from the chest cavities of children. You are also given a hack saw with which you can cut off a foot to free yourself from confinement. Is this A) the worst day you’ve ever had; or, B) you’ve had worse because you worked for Kentucky Fried Chicken.
An important test, which you could not study for, is in progress. The person next to you has an ‘A’ average in the class and you can easily see his answers; moreover, he can do nothing about it because he is manacled to a small child who has a key in his chest. Do you A) rely on your own pitiable knowledge of the subject to take the test; or, B) cut off his foot with a hack saw?
You come to a fork in the road and decide to take the road less travelled because you’ve heard that makes all the difference. Now you are hopelessly lost, which IS kind of different. You’ve run out of gas. You make your way to a farmer’s house and ask for lodgings for the night. You notice that the farmer’s daughter is the cashier who gave you too much change not long ago. She says she will give you a million dollars if you cut off your foot with a hack saw; or, half a million if you only cut halfway through your ankle. Do you A) agree to her terms but make a mental note to cut her off in traffic; or, B) tell all involved that you have to leave because you are in the wrong joke…
You are on a life raft with your mother-in-law, wife and child. You only have enough food and water for the four of you to last a week; but, if someone leaves, you’ll make it ten days and will be assured a rescue. Do you A) throw your mother-in-law into the ocean?
You notice someone shoplifting in a jewelry store. You follow that person to a pawn shop and then to a church where he puts all of the ill-gotten money into the poor box. Do you A) call the police on the man; or, B) maintain your silence; or, C) throw your mother-in-law into the ocean.
You have an idea for a list and you want to use a mother-in-law joke, despite the fact that mother-in-law jokes are hackneyed and trite. Do you A) use the joke anyway, due to the fact that your mother-in-law was actually SO awful she not only made your regret ever meeting your ex-wife, she also make you regret being born or that the universe happened. Or, B) do you manacle yourself to the oddly wealthy cashier and make a weekend of it…