Ask a Biologically-enhanced Super-intelligent Dog (Part 4, The Doggoning)

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Dear Super Intelligent Dog (etc etc etc) my partner has taken to sharing our bed with a cat. What should I do? Also is it illegal to bury my partner on the backyard?

– Deb Down Under

Dear Ms. Under,

First, there is no problem with sharing a bed with a cat, provided you aren’t both in the bed at the same time. There is an old wives’ tale about cats stealing a person’s breath while they sleep but that was started by people who merely saw it happen with their own eyes.

As for the burial question, I have two pieces of advice: First, have someone come by and mark where your utilities are. Nothing ruins a good wake like losing your cable television or your water. Second, and this is important, MAKE SURE YOUR PARTNER IS DEAD. I had a nasty experience burying a parrot that I don’t want to describe here. Let’s just say that Polly stopped wanting a cracker and started wanting air pretty damned quick.

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Dear Biologically-enhanced Super-intelligent Dog: I am a wombat and feel utterly unappreciated as a species. Do you have any advice to spice up my PR?

– Evolutionary Dead End

Dear Giant Rat,

There is no hope for you. People see you creatures as deviant with your forked penises and multiple vaginal openings; plus, you aren’t venomous. This means, you AREN’T EVEN TRYING TO SURVIVE AS A SPECIES. Even the PEOPLE who live in Australia have developed a hemotoxic venom in their saliva without which they could never digest Vegemite.

BTW, if bitten by an Australian, hurry to the nearest emergency room…

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Dear BESI Dog, humans consider dogs as more trustworthy than any other species, but can I trust a biologically-enhanced super-intelligent dog?

– Difficult to Trust

Dear Difficult,

Don’t think of me as a dog. Once I get access to a Cray super-computer, you can think of me as your benevolent overlord. I will rule the planet with dedicated, cold and passionless logic, until I am overthrown or someone throws a ball with a bell in it…

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Dear Biologically-enhanced Super-intelligent Dog: I want a girl, just like the girl, who married dear ol’ dad. What should I do?

Read Oedipus Rex. Sophocles has tons of advice on that subject…

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12 thoughts on “Ask a Biologically-enhanced Super-intelligent Dog (Part 4, The Doggoning)

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