It’s Your Civic Duty to Get Out of Jury Duty

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Tried by a jury of your peers… who aren’t smart enough to avoid jury duty…

Some states and municipalities excuse students from jury duty. Pretend to be a college student. Carry a backpack and use hip slang terms like “WTF” and “internet”.

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Plead financial hardship. Show up for jury duty wearing a barrel with suspenders. When asked why you shouldn’t have to serve, turn your pockets inside-out and look morose… the international symbol for financial hardship.

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Tell the judge that your child requires twenty-four hour care and serving on a jury would put his life in danger. Do NOT tell the judge that your child dropped you off at the courthouse on his way to his law office.

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Tell the judge that you are biased against people who are indicted by a grand jury… and you don’t much care for judges, either.

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Explain that your English language skills are not sufficient to hear a legal case. Warning, the better your argument the more likely you will fail.

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Some states will allow you an excuse from jury duty if you are very old. When you show up, mention your first jury where you served with Abraham Lincoln or Alexander the Great. If they don’t think you are too old, they may assume you are too crazy. Tomato/tomahto…

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Pregnancy might get you out of serving on a jury. Because you don’t know when you’ll be called, it helps to stay pregnant most of the time. If you don’t know how to do this, I’ve got some cousins you can ask…

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Mental illness can also get you excused. I usually claim to have a deep-seated phobia of legal systems that punish the poor and maintain a prison system to keep the underclass in such a precarious position that they cannot hope to educate themselves, protest their own government or run for office themselves. Actually, by the time I get to the word “underclass”, they’ve usually already excused me…

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If you show even an iota of desire to serve on a jury, that usually disqualifies you pretty quickly.

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Claim that you’ve been a victim of whatever crime the defendant is being accused of… except murder, of course. In that case, fall back on your three days serving on a jury with Alexander the Great…

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21 thoughts on “It’s Your Civic Duty to Get Out of Jury Duty

    1. They swear out a warrant for you to be brought in. I did forget once… and when I called in an hour late, the clerk said that they were swearing out warrants but they’d let me off provided I made it there the next week…

      Liked by 1 person

      1. The trail I sat was a farce. A personal injury claim from a bimbo who was clearly looking for a quick buck. After seeing photos of her dancing and swimming without it? We didn’t give her and her fake whiplash collar a dime.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Mine was a teenager who seemed like he was being railroaded. Eleven voted guilty and I voted not guilty. Six hours later, we found him not guilty. He was already in lock up, so he left court and went right back for different crimes. The guy who accused him was a farmer who used juvenile labor and never paid them. I didn’t particularly like either of them…

        Like

  1. The whole list cracked me up. Loved the barrel, “Warning, the better your argument the more likely you will fail.” “If they don’t think you are too old, they may assume you are too crazy. Tomato/tomahto…” and your cousins. Funny!

    Liked by 1 person

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