Thoughts on Canadian Foods

Poutine: French fries, cheese curds, gravy… kind of like that random list of words that Donald Trump had to memorize to prove he didn’t have dementia. Ever been to a McDonalds, bought some fries and thought to yourself, “this would be a lot better with some cottage cheese on it”

Tourtiere: In most countries, when we make a pie, we try to use our indigenous fruits. The only indigenous fruit available in Canada is the moose. This meat pie is traditionally served on holidays which answers the question, “Why are moose holidays different than human holidays?”

Maple Syrup: Human beings love sugar and we will battle bees for it. But, in Canada, the only way to get sugar is to bleed helpless trees of their life’s blood, then condense it down for consumption. It’s why the rest of the world sees Canadians as polite, amiable tree vampires.

Canadian Bacon: The answer to the question, “Mommy, why does my ham taste funny?” The reason, of course, is when the memo went out to the rest of the world on what a pork chop was, they were out, celebrating that godless Canadian Thanksgiving. It’s a pork chop without the juiciness. It’s bacon without the great taste. It is the destroyer of dreams.

Flapper Pie: White custard with a white meringue with a graham cracker crust. Canadians consume a lot of it due to the fact that the taste is so forgettable that no one remembers that they’ve just eaten it.

Rappie Pie: Also known as the “practical joke pie” because people see it and exclaim, “Oh! A pie!” and then cut into it to find… potatoes. That’s like getting a Christmas gift in an expensive box with a beautiful ribbon and unwrapping it to find… potatoes.

Pate Chinois: Translates to “Chinese pie”. It is hamburger and canned corn with a mashed potato crust. It is a shepherd’s pie for a nation that has literally no shepherds.

Poutine Rapee: This is a potato dumpling with a pork center that is boiled for ninety minutes. This tribute to the god of blandness is usually eaten on special occasions like right after stomach surgery.

Caesar Cocktail: Vodka, clamato juice and Worcestershire sauce… basically a drink that is its own hang-over cure. But, if you know a BETTER clam-based aperitif, I’d like to hear it.

Dulse Flakes: Red seaweed, dried and fried up for your enjoyment. Some say it tastes like the ocean… others say that it tastes like bacon. Suffice it to say that, if you’d just cleaned your pig, this stuff would taste like its bath water.