I dislike the term “shooting spree” because it makes it sound like more fun than it actually is.
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Reflecting on my life, my biggest regret is the decision I made to reflect on my life…
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Serving on a jury is like playing Candyland with your kids… you know that it’s your duty, but you also know it will be frustrating, emotional and you spend most of your time hoping for an aneurysm to keep you from having to do either.
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Actions speak louder than words, especially if the action is to yell those words…
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You can’t please everyone but you can come close if you invent cheap robot butlers that are made of candy.
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For pulling me from my submerged car, I’d like to thank the self-less rescue workers in my area; for putting me in the river in the first place, I’d like to thank Mescal and sleeping pills…
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The one constant is that everything changes; but, if that’s true, ultimately that constant will change and everything will stay the same. I just hope that I’m not having a kidney stone when it does…
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I was a miler in school and I never got a “runner’s high”. If your coach told you to run more than five miles and you didn’t get a runner’s high, he should be legally obligated to hand you a bong and a quarter bag of weed when you are done.
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I’ve never been dead; but, I’ve watched eight straight hours of golf on television and I’d imagine it would feel something like that.
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My older cousin was often forced by my aunt to play hide-and-seek with me when they were over. One time, I hid and he didn’t find me for ten hours. What a dumbass!
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When I die, I want them to weave the term “minimally invasive” into my eulogy…
Potatoes and the Promise of More Potatoes 
Though he could have been minimally invasive in our lives, he wasn’t 🙃
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No! That makes me seem… good…
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Uh huh … you’re like Grape Ape 😃
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I’ll TAKE that compliment!
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I know that zombie stare while watching golf on tv. My stare is often rattled by someone yelling “YES!” or clapping. I mean, what the heck – they’re watching the same thing as me, right? And they totally ruined my zen zombie stare.
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With the announcer whispering like that, any vocalization in the room is the equivalent of a “jump-scare” in a slasher movie…
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I think you’re mistaken about the golf. Watching 8 hours of it is the very definition of Hell.
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It’s great to come home after nine holes of golf, lay down on the couch and sleep through a golf tournament…
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Talking about robots, it’s 2020 and we don’t even have personal robots yet. I thought by now i would have a robot slave doing all my work for me (er, by the way Robot Overlords in the future, if you see this I’m totally joking here… 😬)
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Robots do the tasks that people don’t want to do. We have automation for most of that, anyway.
As for Robot Overlords… they won’t understand humor or that you are joking. Change your name to Sarah Conner, move to the desert and, FOR GOD’S SAKE DON’T USE YOUR CELL PHONE!!!
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“Charles always wanted to be a best-selling author; and, thorough minimally invasive techniques, he got his wish.”
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Do best-selling authors even exist anymore, Chelsea?
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I’ve heard bedtime stories.
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At least, we can rest assured that Trump will never experience your biggest regret: the decision to reflect on his life.
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Trump thinks that an examined life is not worth living…
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Not so fun fact: I passed another (yup, not my first) kidney stone a couple weeks ago—timely post, man. 🤣
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I used to get them four times a year… I still get them annually. Most times, I try to wait them out but I have a few pain pills if absolutely necessary.
How long did yours last?
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Ugh—that’s brutal…FOUR TIMES PER YEAR?!?! This one wasn’t too bad—it passed in about 36 hours. I’m not very good about taking pain pills—I have some, but usually just grit my teeth through pain.
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If I take an opiate, I can’t sleep the entire night… my mind is buzzing while my body lies there.
Thirty-six hours is a LOT in my book… You’re a better woman than I am, Gunga Din… although you’ve had a head start being a woman…
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