More and More Medical Advice from a Terse Llama

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Dear Terse Llama,

The lump on my chest is getting larger while the lump on my back is getting smaller. What is happening to my body?

Terrified in Tehran

Dear Tehran,

You are sleeping on a broomstick.

Dear Terse Llama,

My arthritis is in full force. I’ve tried every possible cure: Fish oil, flax seed, mega doses of vitamin C, chiropractors and extended juice fasts. But, I can no longer move with the grace, force and abandon that I used to; consequently, I refuse to go out onto the dance floor. What should I do next?

Grounded in Glasgow

Dear Grounded,

Call your relatives and tell them it is safe to invite you to weddings again.

Dear Terse Llama,

I’m getting sharp pains all over my body and all my friends do is laugh at me… to the point where I’m ready to get up off of this ant bed and punch them in the face. What do you think I need?

Antsy in France

Dear France,

A straight man.

Dear Terse Llama,

I am a postal worker and, the other day, my arm was torn off by a letter-sorter. The nearby hospital is pretty sure they can sew it back on, but it was mailed to South Dakota and I don’t have the money for postage back. Any advice on getting it back?

Armless in Amarillo

Dear Armless

Ask them to stamp it “UNDELIVERABLE” and, if your arm had a return address on it, it should be back within a week. If there is no return address on your arm, then you are a disgrace to your profession…

Confidential to Red in San Marino: If you keep picking at it, it might become infected and/or run for the Senate again.

14 thoughts on “More and More Medical Advice from a Terse Llama

    1. She got her degree from a Cuban medical college and then escaped into the Andes where she worked as a paramedic and hauling service for the locals. Oh, and I have a sweater made out of her fleece…

      Liked by 1 person

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