Why You Should Terrorize Moles

Mole and Vole Prevention | Fairview Garden Center

[Thanks to Rivergirl for the idea]

A non-terrorized mole is a happy mole and a happy mole is a contented mole. Terrorize the moles in your yard or their contented sighs will keep you awake at all hours of the night.

Terrorizing a helpless small blind animal might just win you a Nobel Prize in Evil which involves a gold medal and a substantial cash payment.

Moles respond well to fascist tactics such as terror and book burnings. Before you ask, I’m not sure what a good response from a mole might look like nor do I know what books they read.

Terrorized moles don’t eat as much and don’t get as big as contented moles. Remember, if a mole gets too large, you should see a dermatologist…

If you throw enough fear into moles, they will give up some of their civil rights, like the right to assemble. If they no longer have the right to assemble, there’ll be no more Ikea packages sitting on your front porch that you tear open excitedly and find out it is build-it-yourself furniture for moles.

Non-terrorized moles get arrogant, which is not in itself a big danger, but your dog might take it as a sign of your weakness and attempt a coup.

Throw enough terror into moles and you can exact tribute from them… although I’m not sure what you’ll be able to do with a little pile of grubs and worms once a week.

If moles aren’t afraid of you, zoologists might notice and move humans further down in the food chain.

Enough terror and you can literally stampede all the moles in your yard at the same time, causing them to trample any gophers in their path.

It’s best to keep moles afraid of you because, when they aren’t, some of them mock you with a rather unflattering impersonation.

15 thoughts on “Why You Should Terrorize Moles

  1. Can they get rid of styes in the eye? Hey you never use any of my ideas … I’m being replaced. Ok, ok, here’s one for you A Salamander named Panda 🐼

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I use a LOT of your ideas, Deb… but a salamander named “Panda” might be beyond my reach. Don’t get jealous.

      Well, maybe DO get jealous. Might boost my sagging ego… I’m working on something new. I’ll send you a chapter when I get it done.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m not comfortable being the inspiration for mole terrorization. I may need to enlist their army to battle the red rodent from Hell and need to stay in their good graces. But this post does clear up the mystery of random mole furniture deliveries.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I once caught a mole in a trap I set in one of their tunnels, but it was still alive, and I made the mistake of letting it go. Next thing I knew, I found a note on my door telling me to keep my trap shut or my house would be blown to Smithereens….which happens to be my neighbor’s name. Fortunately, the Smithereens have a big enough yard to accommodate both of our houses, but it could cause complications in our relationship, so I’m hoping this all blows over.

    Liked by 1 person

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