Random, Queen of Thoughts

Never have more on your plate than will fit in your lap.

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There’s a time and a place for obsessing about vegetables; and, that time is always and that place is radishes.

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If you are going to say something but are not sure if it’s intolerant or mean, just replace every other word with the word “fish” and repeat it to yourself. By the time you’ve done that, the other person has probably walked away making it moot, anyway.

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I hope that time machines are never so cheap that everyone could have one because teenagers will just take them out at night and race them; and, I have no interest in going all the way out to the year 5121, in my bathrobe, and bailing my grandson out of jail.

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My robot wife will be complete just as soon as I come up with a computer program to simulate seething contempt.

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There are varying degrees of success even in failure. A man who tries to jump thirty trucks on his motorcycle, crashes and breaks every bone in his body is less successful than a guy who tries the same stunt and only breaks his back and femur.

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I don’t like to judge people; but, I will never fall asleep in the same room with a woman who collects straight razors and photographs of people’s throats.

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We learn from our mistakes… mostly we learn how to blame those mistakes on others.

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Sometimes, I worry about cancer, but then I realize that cancer can probably take care of itself.

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I eat soup, sometimes; but, I can’t get over the fact that it is essentially meat tea.