A Completely Different Llama Gives Dieting Advice

Dear Completely Different Llama,

I’m concerned about my diet. You see, I lost my job when it burned down and then ran away, so my income is a little light; in fact, I am earning just enough to pay for the bus fare to the liquor store where I cash my unemployment check. I don’t want rickets and I’m pretty ambivalent about scurvy. I was wondering if one can eat healthy foods if one is on a tight budget?

On My Uppers in Culpupper

Dear Upper,

Yes, you can; provided you can only eat three days a week.

♦

Dear Completely Different Llama,

With all the new vegetables available in the grocery stores, I’m overwhelmed. I remember when all there was to choose from was potatoes, squash and smaller potatoes. How many vegetables should I eat a day?

Trying New Things in Coral Springs

Dear Trying,

Nutritionists have determined you need to eat enough vegetables to get the vitamins you need but not so many that they end up rupturing your stomach-wall… or, if you are a cartoon character, coming out of your ears.

♦

Dear Completely Different Llama,

I want to be healthy but I can’t cook for myself mostly because I work long hours and also, I am a hopeless man-child. My friends say that, to eat properly, you need to cook for yourself; but, none of them can tell me where my stove is. Can I eat healthy if I rely on take out or delivery? Also, is that mustache fake?

Can’t Cook in Chinook

Dear Cook,

Certainly! Almost every restaurant has healthy menu items like steamed vegetables, lean low-salt meats and other dishes that you’ll never order in a million years. The mustache isn’t fake. It came with a certificate of authenticity…

♦

Dear Completely Different Llama,

I read somewhere that smaller more frequent meals are better for you than fewer but larger meals. How many times a day should I be eating?

Can’t Count in Rocky Mount

Dear Count,

It really depends on the duration of your meals. If your meals last ten minutes, then three times a day is fine. If your meals last eleven hours, then no more than two a day.

♦

Dear Completely Different Llama,

You’ve convinced me to eat healthier; but, I’m not a patient woman. How can I eat healthier right now? May I also say that you look nothing like Terse Llama?

Chomping at the Bitt in Carson Citt

Dear Chomping,

Well, you can replace the bacon you eat with heart-healthy roasted chicken; and, replace the pork rinds you munch on with sensible carrots. If you don’t eat bacon or pork rinds, then, you should start eating them immediately so you can replace them with chicken and sensible carrots.

♦

Dear Completely Different Llama,

As a llama nutritionist, what is the one food you most recommend people should avoid eating?

Curious in Vesuvius

Dear Curious,

Poisoned kale… or the regular kind of kale.

♦

Dear Completely Different Llama,

My brother and I were discussing what we would do if we were attacked by a giant one-celled creature and we only had a small caliber handgun. He said to aim for the cell’s nucleus, whereas I said to try to hit the mitochondria. We started arguing and, considering his time in prison on assault and arson convictions, I really should’ve done more to deescalate the situation. Long story short, my dog has a vitamin A deficiency. Do you know any ways to effectively add vitamin A to her diet?

House Gone in Matewan

Dear Gone,

Yes, I know many ways to add vitamin A to your dog’s diet. Thanks for the question.