Money-making Ideas for the Twenty-first Century

  1. My owners abandoned me for eternal bliss…

    Pet Watching Service for After the Rapture: When the heavens open up and take God’s chosen, who’ll watch their dogs and cats? Well, since I am NOT a Christian and will sign a document declaring that I will NEVER be “saved”, I am the perfect heathen to check in on the pets of the extremely blessed. Payment in advance, please…

  2. Adolph Hitler Impersonator: In the current political climate, there has GOT to be a niche for this; and, this is just my intuition talking, but I think if I memorized a few Polish jokes, it couldn’t hurt.
  3. Sue Chef: Go to a fancy restaurant. Spill hot sauce on self. Post awful pun on internet. Profit!
  4. Dominant reader for the Blind: The blind have plenty of loving and caring individuals to read to them; however, the masochistic blind really have no one to read to them in the way they prefer. “I’m not reading ONE word until you lick my shoes clean, you horrible freak!”…
  5. What?

    Owl Whisperer: Maybe there isn’t a market for this; but, once the service has been made public, people may start looking twice at the behavior patterns of their owls.

  6. Drug Mule: Buy a dead mule from a tanner. Deposit on the lawn of some house in an upper middle-class neighborhood. When the occupant complains reply, “Hey! I drug this mule out here on my own money. If you want it gone, you’ll have to pay”. Again, a lot of work for a bad joke, but I’m comfortable with my shortcomings…
  7. Maybe a little fire will loosen your purse-strings…

    Wine Kidnapper: Steal bottles of expensive wines from wealthy households; photograph them holding the current newspaper and you with a corkscrew in your hand. They’ll pay if they don’t want to see their precious vintage corked…

  8. Boa Contractor: Theoretically, any job can be accomplished if you have enough snakes. Avoid cold climates.
  9. Male Stripper for the Clinically Depressed: They are expecting to be disappointed and they’ll be getting me. Seems almost too perfect…
  10. Gargling Instructor: Everyone has gargled but no one has ever been taught the right way to gargle. Hang up your shingle before someone posts instructions for free on Youtube.

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