My Friend Went to Italy and All I Got was this Dumb Postcard. A Rant

There are two items that mark my cubicle as occupied: My travel Buddha and a postcard a friend of mine brought back from her trip to Italy. Usually, I mark my territory with a lot more than this, but contractors in this particular government building get moved around a lot. I’m lucky to be in a cubicle; I WAS in a hallway. There was even talk of putting some of us outside on a chain when the weather got nicer. All in all, I cannot complain…

The postcard is of a statue. Now, I could give you the sculptor’s name… but I really don’t think that would do him much good (he’s been dead for centuries) and YOU won’t remember; so, why put the extra effort of writing his name when I can write fifty words explaining why I won’t be showing it?

Anyway, Bernini’s Rape of Proserpina is a depiction of the rape of Persephone. “Proserpina” is the Roman spelling or, as I like to call it, the WRONG spelling. Look, if you incorporate the mythology of another culture WHY CHANGE THE NAMES? Everyone knows who you are talking about and you look just stupid. Maybe the name “Jupiter” already existed before they stole Zeus’ identity and probably his credit cards; but, Persephone did NOT already exist… Romans renamed her to be contrary… like calling Heracles “Hercules”… No, they did NOT already have a “Hercules” in their mythology. The Romans were just pricks…

But, I digress…

A Man So Gay-Looking That Heterosexuality Cannot Leave His Surface

When they say “rape”, they don’t mean a vivid depiction of violent insertion. “Rape” meant any violation of a person’s personal space. Pope’s Rape of the Lock was about the theft of a lock of hair by a lover, although whenever I hear the title, I STILL picture a penis shaped like a key. So the rape depicted by the statue is, Hades, God of the Underworld, latching onto the daughter of the Olympian goddess Demeter and, readying himself to drag her to the underworld… which might not be rape as you know it, but it was definitely an inconvenience to Persephone…

If you look at the statue, you can see that Hades has a hold on Persephone’s thigh like the thigh is a pork chop and Hades is me. Persephone’s legs are bare up to her waist; and, her bosom has popped out the other end. Now, I’m not the kind of a guy that blames a woman for being raped, but anyone walking around in a bath-towel, like Persephone was, should have expected at least a little “bad attention”. Cerberus, Hades’ three-headed dog, is nipping at Persephone’s feet which adds a little drama to the work because I know how mad I get when I’m trying to get something done and there’s a dog tripping me up. I imagine a three-headed dog would be WAY more frustrating.

And, Persephone is clawing at Hades face and really making a go of it. But, if you know the myth, you know she’s going to end up in Hades’ domain, which was called, oddly enough, “Hades”. I don’t know any other situation in which someone’s kingdom shares a name with its ruler. I can imagine it would really screw with the postal service. The only saving grace is that Hades lives in Hades so, if there IS a mistake, it would probably get fixed quickly.

Well, snatching a goddess is not something that goes unnoticed. Soon, Zeus got involved. You’d think with the title, King of the Gods, he’d have no problem convincing his brother to let Persephone go. And, you’d be wrong and very wrong at the same time. Hades attitude was, he got screwed when they doled out the domains so he was keeping the girl. Meanwhile, Demeter, the goddess of nature, let her responsibilities slip, which would’ve gone unnoticed if her responsibility wasn’t ALL OF NATURE. Her grief at having her daughter move out was palpable because everything was dying. You don’t get much more palp than that.

So, they hit the negotiating table again. Zeus had his threats but when you’ve been digested in the darkness of your father’s stomach for centuries, a thunderbolt is just light, noise and a finite amount of agony which Hades would gladly undergo for the gal that was, in fact, WAY too hot for him. Finally, Zeus asked, “Did she eat anything since you dragged her under the surface of the Earth?”. Turns out she’d had six pomegranate seeds, which must’ve been a fad back then, too. So, six seeds, six months of the year. The other six she could spend with living people and sunlight. It was a win/win/kind of screwed agreement; but, Persephone really had no choice in the matter.

Which takes me to Donald Trump and his supposed business acumen: He makes deals the same way. “I’m stealing your work by not paying for it but I’ll pay less than I agreed to. That’s a deal, right?” And, it is definitely a deal. But, when you base your entire business philosophy on screwing people who trust you, you run out of people who trust you… just like when you only eat the lemon skittles, eventually you end up with an ugly mass of purple and red and you can’t throw it away because it’s food… kind of… So you put it into a bowl and leave it on your coffee table but everyone else likes the lemon ones so they might pick the orange ones out of it but eventually your house warms to above seventy five degrees and they all fuse together in some sort of a skittle-dome and at that point, you coat it with lard, stick bird seeds to it and use it as a feeder…

Now, Hades remained faithful to his wife unlike Zeus, Poseidon and Donald Trump. But, the two never had children. Probably a good thing because, if Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise a kid, Hell would probably be a lot worse…

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