Vegetarian dog food: There may not be a special place in Hell for people who put their dogs on a vegetarian diet; but, as soon as the building permits are approved, work will begin on it.
Muzzle: If you cannot control the pointy end of your dog, you probably should get a different breed. A dog does literally everything with its mouth. Putting a muzzle on it is like handcuffing your children. Something is very wrong and it is you.
Dog Leotard: When you really want your dog to look like a mime, this is the product for you. You see, dogs shed. A full body suit will keep the hair from your furniture. For the person that wanted a dog but didn’t want any of the drawbacks of having a dog. It was either that or freeze-dry the animal and send him to a taxidermist…
Shock Collar: Theoretically, this keeps the dog from leaving a set area. In reality, it just forces the dog to adjust its thinking to accept a painful shock every time it leaves the yard. Hell, if you run really really fast, you’ll barely feel it. Am I saying that shocking animals is cruel? Well, just me and everyone else who’s ever existed…
Dog Silencer: When I was growing up, there were these gadgets in the spy movies that would send out a tone that would eventually kill the listener due to its frequency. Now that I’ve stopped growing up, they’ve decided to do the same thing to dogs. If your dog barks, a high pitched noise hurts her ears. If your neighbor’s dog barks, a high pitched noise hurts your dog’s ears. If someone coughs, a high-pitched noise hurts your dog’s ears. Small price to pay to slowly turn your collie into a dingo.
Nature’s Mace: Claims to have found a smell that keeps dogs from digging or defecating in a particular spot. Judging from the Amazon comments, it is as effective as a bullet-proof vest made out of gummi bears. Dogs routinely attack and kill skunks. You’d have to travel the galaxy for many eons to find a smell that repels an animal that spends literally hours licking his anus which, as you will soon discover, is thirty percent of its body.
Jump Restraint: In the old USSR, if you broke the rules you were sent to an insane asylum to spend the rest of your days in a strait-jacket. Now, dog owners can apply Stalin’s methodology in their own back yard.
Dog Whistle: Love is the carrot; meet the stick. Yeah, doggy… that’s me in your head with all those ultrasonic knives stabbing your brain. Now, DO THE DANCE I TAUGHT YOU!!! This device is useful if you want your little canine friend to have a motive to tear out your throat while you sleep.
Rear Gear Butt-hole Cover: So, you want a dog but don’t want to look at its anus? Studies have shown that thirty percent of the time you look at your dog, you are looking at its butt-hole. This means that a dog is thirty percent anus. It also means that you only love seventy percent of your dog. So, you’ll need to get a second dog that is only thirty percent the size of the first one and cover it’s butt as well. Or, you could get over it. Dogs worship us. We are gods in the dogs’ eyes. Having to look at its ass is a way of keeping us grounded.
Dog Hats: Dogs have no concept of what a hat is for, outside of to really annoy dogs. It is all the fun of having their ears pinned down with the added joy of an elastic strap around their throat. With the exception of idiots, everyone knows that dogs don’t like anything over their throat. If you must celebrate your dog’s birthday, get him a hooker, some fritos and a beer…