Turn Dog Feces into Cash; or, Capitalism Explained

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Are you broke, hard-up, without funds or dirt poor? Follow these steps and you can make BIG money… as demonstrated by how I capitalize “big”. Unlike other money-making schemes, mine requires almost NO upfront money. The money you DO need, can be easily acquired raiding your grandmother’s medicine cabinet and then meeting with your “special friend” downtown…

First, begin stockpiling dog crap. If you live near a city park, you’ll find that a LOT of people will give you their dog’s waste just for the asking. Find a place to store it which is also not your home. You have just started the process of building your inventory.

While doing this, make SURE that people see you appropriating the material. Do not tell anyone what it is for. This will be easy because you don’t have a clue what it will be used for.

Image result for monopoly manYou will notice that, after a while, some people will stop giving you their dog’s poop. Offer a token sum for it. They will refuse and start to stockpile their own dog’s waste. You have created the beginning of investor interest and you have established a minimum value for your dog shit.

More and more individuals will wonder what you are using the fecal matter for. Say nothing. Smile. Continue collecting.

At this point, you might want to start a rumor that you will be using the dog matter as an alternative energy source or as a catalyst for cold fusion. Or, you can let people use their imaginations. Imaginations are better because lawsuits. Plus, if someone has a theory about what you are doing, even if it is dispelled, there are a hundred other theories to take its place.

Get a friend to start trying to buy from the same people you’ve been collecting from for free. Now you have an active market for your product. This will attract speculators.

Related imageYou should start offering a little more money than your friend offers. If someone besides your friend tries to buy the dog poop in the park for a higher price, tell him that, if he does, you’ll sell your stockpile at a ridiculously low price making his dog shit worthless.

But, tell the speculator that he can buy a piece of your stockpile through stock certificate. Only offer this to a few select idiots. This is called an “IPO”

After the first certificates have been released, the public’s interest will be peaked. The initial stock will become more valuable because it is “preferred”. Offer the general public a second stock. This stock will speculate partially on the amount of dog waste you will be acquiring in the future. This is called a “Prospectus”.

Use some of the money you’ve made from the IPO to buy dog waste from other parks, driving up your value. Print more stock.

Sell your stock.  Print more… sell that.

Appoint one of the initial speculators to run your business.

Retire in splendor…

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9 thoughts on “Turn Dog Feces into Cash; or, Capitalism Explained

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