Let Me Allay Your Fears…

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You shouldn’t worry about dying young because, frankly, you AREN’T that young anymore.

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You are NOT being followed. They know your schedule so well, they are already waiting for you at your destination.

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You think that your frustrating day at work is a symptom of failing memory due to age; but, nothing could be further from the truth. You haven’t been to work in twenty years. What you’re suffering from is dementia.

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Your office mates aren’t laughing at you behind your back; however, they are taking turns spitting into your coffee mug.

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You think that your virility is waning but it might just be that you are becoming less interested in being a heterosexual.

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Having a disturbing and recurring dream doesn’t necessarily mean that something bad is going to happen to you; it might only indicate that you have lost your sanity.

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Don’t fret, it is nearly impossible for a poisonous snake to get into your home; but, if by some miracle one did, your warm bed would be the first place it would go.

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Don’t worry, the world will never find out what a sham you are. At this point, only your kids know and they are too mortified to tell ANYONE…

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Your spouse is NOT trying to poison you. Your significant other has access to your unconscious body for eight hours a day and could do all sorts of unspeakable things to you. But, those are the actions of a very angry person and your spouse is not furious with you… as far as you know.

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God does NOT hate you. He just likes your enemies more than he likes you.

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