In Praise of Blackmail

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I am a blackmailer; and, I am a saint.

You know, you hear a lot about the concept of “blackmail”, but you never see a sincere discussion as to its merits. Most people see blackmailers as shadowy sinister people who lurk in the underbelly of society. That is stereotyping and it has to stop. Yes, most blackmailers ARE pale and have a persistent cough, but that is because we spend so much time lurking in the cold peering through windows. Who are you to judge?

The term “blackmail” may seem sinister, but it was simply money that the Scottish paid the corrupt nobility to keep them from coming in at night and destroying their crops. It has literally NOTHING to do with the modern situation of someone, say, threatening to publish photographs of you dressing your dog as Laura Croft. Because of the word’s origins, “blackmail” is often confused with extortion, but, unlike extortion, blackmail has a moral edge to it.

Certainly the church has tried very hard to impress their flock with morality. You’d think, after thousands of years of religion, there would be no immorality left; however, even with the threat of being burned alive, some people literally worshiped the most evil entity the church could think of. If that isn’t utter failure, then utter failure has a twin brother running around pretending to be it…

Blackmail goes about morality in an entirely different way: You give someone money and you can avoid public judgment about the fact that you pay your housekeeper in drugs and boxes of pornography. Unlike the church, blackmail is PERSONALIZED. You aren’t condemning drugs and porn to a broad group of people. You are TARGETING a person who you know is trafficking drugs and porn. Don’t think of paying a blackmailer as extortion… think of it as a tithe…

Not only does the money gained from sinful and disgusting acts get siphoned off and given to blackmailers, who will spend that money on manila envelopes, camera film, greasy raincoats and newspapers (for cutting words out of), it FORCES those who are guilty of, say, convincing a Chinese exchange student that you are her “mandatory doctor”, to THINK about what they have done and if they can get away people knowing about it. They weigh their sins against the money asked for and THEY decide. It is capitalism.  It is supply side morality at its finest.

Plus, it makes people think twice about what they have done and whether they should ever do it again on the second-floor balcony of an Atlantic City hotel room. It is also a wake-up call: If someone finds out that you are drugging waitresses, stripping them to their underwear and posing them as members of the cast of Gilmore Girls, it is a sign that your perversion has gotten way out of control and also that you should stop watching the Warner Brothers Network for a while.

There is a grey area when it comes to blackmail: That is, when you threaten to tell the authorities that someone is blackmailing someone else (or himself, if he is easily confused). Besides professional courtesy, the most important reason NOT to blackmail a blackmailer is that they are doing nothing wrong. If you blackmail them, you are admitting that blackmailing is a moral flaw.

Before you rush to judgment about me, keep in mind that we all sin in the eyes of God. It’s just that there are photographs of your sins… and negatives. All I want is a moral world; and, I’m willing to get rich while making one…

3 thoughts on “In Praise of Blackmail

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